I have been really down for the past few weeks. I have been meaning to blog and then I forget or I am too tired or something else comes up, or I just can't face it. I made the trip to NY last week but I didn't get to go through my mom's stuff or go to the cemetery. So basically this is turning out to be the never ending, longest, most dragged out process EVER! Not only that, but it's so lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to right now. I can hear God saying, turn to ME, lay all your pain and anxiety down on ME. I am trying so hard to. I am praying about it constantly, but now my anxiety is back and I am fighting a double battle, grief and anxiety.
One of our close friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy yesterday. I am so happy for her, but it reminds me that my mom is gone, why? I guess because it is a life changing event that reminds me that even though my mom is gone, life still goes on.
This is also reminding me of another time in my life. Almost four years ago I was mourning the loss of my first baby. When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. Within months my brother in laws girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my sister found out she was pregnant. Of course I was happy for both of them, but it is so hard to celebrate when you are mourning a loss.
Grief is winning right now and I am definitely losing. This coming Saturday is the first session of grief share at my church, I couldn't be more thankful to have an outlet right now.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Indecision?
So much for making a decision, should I donate to the Salvation Army or find a women's shelter?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
3rd times the charm?
I am planning my 3rd and final(God willing) trip to NY to finish packing up my mom's things. I am not crazy about going to do this on 9/11, but it's the date that worked for everyone so I can see my girlfriends and continue this tedious chore. I have to go by myself again to maximize the space in my car so there will be a lot of traveling in two days, loads of emotions, and very little sleep.
Her stuff is still taking up too much space in our crowded two bedroom apartment. We have managed to move all of the boxes out of the living room and into our walk in closet(which is no longer a walk in due to so many boxes and bags). I am making plans to get rid of a good chunk of this stuff now which will make me sad but also take a huge weight off of my shoulders. My sister took a good amount of stuff home with her after our vacation to North Carolina(we still couldn't see out the rear view mirror but oh well!) After a bit of research I have decided to donate her clothes to the Salvation Army and then at the end of September or beginning of October, I will have a yard sale to get rid of the stuff that we don't want and whatever is left over after that we can donate.
After months of going through endless piles of stuff, this is what I have learned about my mom:
1. She wanted to improve herself in every way possible.
2. She was a member of most clubs out there(movie clubs, book clubs, shopping clubs...)
3. She kept everything! Letters from my sister and I, thank you cards, invitations...
4. She liked to have many projects going at once.
5. She had a desire to learn.
6. She made lists.
7. She attached paperclips to everything.
And what I learned about myself... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, however I am trying to eliminate the endless lists habit. I vow to work on one lists before starting another one. I also vow to leave said lists on refrigerator so they don't resurface 10 years later in a pile of junk. I am also trying to eliminate the use of paperclips from my life. And last but not least, I vow to keep the sentimental things and throw everything else away!
Her stuff is still taking up too much space in our crowded two bedroom apartment. We have managed to move all of the boxes out of the living room and into our walk in closet(which is no longer a walk in due to so many boxes and bags). I am making plans to get rid of a good chunk of this stuff now which will make me sad but also take a huge weight off of my shoulders. My sister took a good amount of stuff home with her after our vacation to North Carolina(we still couldn't see out the rear view mirror but oh well!) After a bit of research I have decided to donate her clothes to the Salvation Army and then at the end of September or beginning of October, I will have a yard sale to get rid of the stuff that we don't want and whatever is left over after that we can donate.
After months of going through endless piles of stuff, this is what I have learned about my mom:
1. She wanted to improve herself in every way possible.
2. She was a member of most clubs out there(movie clubs, book clubs, shopping clubs...)
3. She kept everything! Letters from my sister and I, thank you cards, invitations...
4. She liked to have many projects going at once.
5. She had a desire to learn.
6. She made lists.
7. She attached paperclips to everything.
And what I learned about myself... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, however I am trying to eliminate the endless lists habit. I vow to work on one lists before starting another one. I also vow to leave said lists on refrigerator so they don't resurface 10 years later in a pile of junk. I am also trying to eliminate the use of paperclips from my life. And last but not least, I vow to keep the sentimental things and throw everything else away!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
One Year
One year has come and gone. I wanted to blog yesterday, but I was coming down with a lovely head cold and here I am today sneezing tears... Oh well. Yesterday wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. Although I was short tempered and easily annoyed by everything and everyone around me. I could blame that on the anniversary and getting sick.
After much thought and a much needed nap on the couch, I decided that we should remember mom by going to Wendy's and getting Frosty's. Frosty's and Carvel cakes were her favorite deserts, but I couldn't quite justify remembering her yesterday with a Carvel cake as it didn't seem like a joyous occasion. We all enjoyed our Frosty's and at the end of the day I was satisfied with the way we chose to remember her.
After much thought and a much needed nap on the couch, I decided that we should remember mom by going to Wendy's and getting Frosty's. Frosty's and Carvel cakes were her favorite deserts, but I couldn't quite justify remembering her yesterday with a Carvel cake as it didn't seem like a joyous occasion. We all enjoyed our Frosty's and at the end of the day I was satisfied with the way we chose to remember her.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
grrr
As if I didn't already feel like crap because I was sad, now I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.
Here is a little excerpt of song that reminds me of losing my mom. It was on the radio a lot last summer and I think I heard it either right before or right after finding out she was gone. She probably never heard of it, but the lyrics sum up my feelings and get me all choked up every time.
It's not the middle of the night, it ain't even raining outside, it's not exactly what I had in mind, for goodbye. At that red light in the sunshine on a Sunday, nothing to say, don't even try. Some are coming home, some are leaving town, while my world's crashing down on a Sunday in the sunshine, at that red light... Red Light by David Nail
Here is a little excerpt of song that reminds me of losing my mom. It was on the radio a lot last summer and I think I heard it either right before or right after finding out she was gone. She probably never heard of it, but the lyrics sum up my feelings and get me all choked up every time.
It's not the middle of the night, it ain't even raining outside, it's not exactly what I had in mind, for goodbye. At that red light in the sunshine on a Sunday, nothing to say, don't even try. Some are coming home, some are leaving town, while my world's crashing down on a Sunday in the sunshine, at that red light... Red Light by David Nail
Saturday, August 28, 2010
It's been awhile
Wow. I can't believe it's been about a month since the last time I blogged. Not much is going on here. The summer is coming to a close, we took 3 trips, and two of them was with family. After the last one I think I took about a week to recuperate.
But now I am back. I need an outlet for my feelings again as I feel walls closing in on me. In two days it will be 1 year that my mom has been gone and I am in complete disbelief about that every time I think about it. How has it been 1 year already? Why does it feel like she has been gone longer but I feel like I just talked to her recently? I can still hear her voice in my head. Will I ever forget how she sounds? (Ha, probably not as long as her voice is still on her answering machine).
I'm dreading everything about Monday. I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything. But how can you escape life when you have a family to take care of? I can send them out for the day, but do I really want the day to myself? I don't know how to spend the day, or if I should be doing something special to remember her...
I miss her a lot.
But now I am back. I need an outlet for my feelings again as I feel walls closing in on me. In two days it will be 1 year that my mom has been gone and I am in complete disbelief about that every time I think about it. How has it been 1 year already? Why does it feel like she has been gone longer but I feel like I just talked to her recently? I can still hear her voice in my head. Will I ever forget how she sounds? (Ha, probably not as long as her voice is still on her answering machine).
I'm dreading everything about Monday. I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything. But how can you escape life when you have a family to take care of? I can send them out for the day, but do I really want the day to myself? I don't know how to spend the day, or if I should be doing something special to remember her...
I miss her a lot.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
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