I had a bunch of different topics that I silently explored while I folded laundry tonight,(I should make a list so I don't forget them), but then I realized that my blog about lists from last night, wasn't what I intended it to be and I had no idea until more than 24 hours later. This is what I meant to talk about last night...
After the first few sessions with my grief counselor, I began to really think about my mom. I needed to focus my attention on what things were bothering me in regards to losing her and get them out of my head or get answers. Guess what I did? I made a list!
We can call this my list of regrets. The regrets were mixed, both mine and hers. I know there were things she wanted to do, see experience, a big part of me feels that loss for her, wishing I could have changed things for her. I know that sounds silly, but for a good part of our relationship, I felt that our roles were reversed. I always saw her as needy and weak(yuck that sounds terrible). It wasn't until she was gone that I realized what a rough life she had and what a brave woman she was. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes, facing life alone after 25 years of marriage, I don't know how she did it, she was truly a fighter. But why couldn't I have seen that when she was here?
The other half of the list were my regrets, some are too personal to post. A big one is that I can't ask her questions about my childhood or our family. Evan is a thumb sucker and sometimes looks like he is going to inhale his whole fist, did I suck my thumb or take a pacifier? Christopher has been speaking full sentences since he was over a year old, did I do that too? When did I start crawling? Christopher started at 7 months, Evan is going on 9 months and is content to sit and roll.
I regret not getting pictures to her sooner. She never got to see Evan, she waited 9 months, and never got to see him. I think the pain of that will never go away and with any babies in the future I will feel the same way, so sad that she will never get to see them.
I made another list shortly after the list of regrets. We can call this list, What I Do Know. This list contains silly things, but things that I never want to forget, but might slip my mind over time. Her favorite author was Mary Higgins Clark(she scares me, I read one or two books and decided if my husband wasn't home I wouldn't be sleeping that night), she loved to needlepoint, she loved iced tea and hated coffee, she didn't like strawberries or watermelon, she liked to play her favorite songs on repeat, and my favorite... no matter how many times I corrected her she always called Boyz II Men, Boyz in the Hood.
These two lists have been therapeutic for me. It really helped to get those regrets out of my head. They were living there and taking up too much space. Some of them take up a temporary residence once in awhile, but now they live on my list. I can visit my list, but those regrets cannot come back with me.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Lists
I am a list maker. I used to make lists for everything. I gave up making lists when my mom died. Before mom got sick, my life was pretty predictable, but all of a sudden things were happening that I never could have or wanted to imagine.
Lists were so common place around my home. Lists of what I wanted to get done that day, over the course of the week, even over the month. There were grocery lists, lists of goals, New Year's resolutions lists, lists of things I needed to pack for the hospital, lists of things I wanted to get done before Evan was born.
Evan was supposed to be a scheduled c-section for August 15, 2009. I went into labor on the 8th, but was in denial all night long, why? Because of all of those lists! I wasn't ready and felt like control was ripped out from under me. I had a c-section on the 9th.
If anyone out there wants a wake up call about who is really in control, let me tell you, it's not you. My Lord & Savior is in control. I have been a believer for about two years, but I was always trying to do things my way and on my time.
I called my dad shortly before I went to the hospital, who then told me that my sister was at the hospital(she lives in Mississippi and was due on the 14th). Jed was born 2 or 3 hours before Evan.
Mom's health deteriorated quickly over the next few days, and I spent most of my time in the hospital crying. The day Evan and I were released, my mom was admitted for what doctors thought was just a bad infection from a cat bite and dehydration. Five days later she was put on a respirator.
Rewind 9 months... I found out I was pregnant with Evan right after mom came out of surgery and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She fought for nine months against stage four cancer. She was my best friend who called me every day, except after chemo when she was too weak. God kept her with me for nine months. He took her away at a fragile time, but at a time when I had a purpose. Sure I had a purpose before, wife, mother, but now I had to take care of a newborn, a baby who needed me around the clock.
I have started making lists again, but not as intensely as I had before. Why? Because life can change in an instant. My home will be cleaned whenever I get to it, God has bigger plans for us.
Lists were so common place around my home. Lists of what I wanted to get done that day, over the course of the week, even over the month. There were grocery lists, lists of goals, New Year's resolutions lists, lists of things I needed to pack for the hospital, lists of things I wanted to get done before Evan was born.
Evan was supposed to be a scheduled c-section for August 15, 2009. I went into labor on the 8th, but was in denial all night long, why? Because of all of those lists! I wasn't ready and felt like control was ripped out from under me. I had a c-section on the 9th.
If anyone out there wants a wake up call about who is really in control, let me tell you, it's not you. My Lord & Savior is in control. I have been a believer for about two years, but I was always trying to do things my way and on my time.
I called my dad shortly before I went to the hospital, who then told me that my sister was at the hospital(she lives in Mississippi and was due on the 14th). Jed was born 2 or 3 hours before Evan.
Mom's health deteriorated quickly over the next few days, and I spent most of my time in the hospital crying. The day Evan and I were released, my mom was admitted for what doctors thought was just a bad infection from a cat bite and dehydration. Five days later she was put on a respirator.
Rewind 9 months... I found out I was pregnant with Evan right after mom came out of surgery and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She fought for nine months against stage four cancer. She was my best friend who called me every day, except after chemo when she was too weak. God kept her with me for nine months. He took her away at a fragile time, but at a time when I had a purpose. Sure I had a purpose before, wife, mother, but now I had to take care of a newborn, a baby who needed me around the clock.
I have started making lists again, but not as intensely as I had before. Why? Because life can change in an instant. My home will be cleaned whenever I get to it, God has bigger plans for us.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Random Memories
I experienced a sweet sadness for the first time this morning. My grief counselor told me that as time went on, my emotional roller coaster would taper off into a sweet sadness, where memories wouldn't make me want to run away screaming and crying, but they would make me remember my mom fondly.
Swiss cheese is what did it for me this morning. As I picked it up for my first bite, I thought of mom. She loved swiss cheese. No tears sprang to me eyes, but instead when Christopher asked me what kind of cheese we were eating, I told him, "swiss cheese. Do you know who loved swiss cheese? Grandma did." He didn't respond in any particular way, he didn't need to. I guess that's my way of keeping her memory alive. Even if it is just talking about cheese, it still keeps her close to my heart and familiar to Christopher who won't remember her as he gets older. I even gave a few pieces to Evan, who never had the pleasure of meeting her.
Swiss cheese is what did it for me this morning. As I picked it up for my first bite, I thought of mom. She loved swiss cheese. No tears sprang to me eyes, but instead when Christopher asked me what kind of cheese we were eating, I told him, "swiss cheese. Do you know who loved swiss cheese? Grandma did." He didn't respond in any particular way, he didn't need to. I guess that's my way of keeping her memory alive. Even if it is just talking about cheese, it still keeps her close to my heart and familiar to Christopher who won't remember her as he gets older. I even gave a few pieces to Evan, who never had the pleasure of meeting her.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Introduction
I suppose I should start off by telling you that if are looking for a light hearted, breezy, fun, kind of blog... You have come to the wrong place. I don't expect many followers or readers to this journal of thoughts I am putting together, because it will be dark and depressing, but will hopefully have bursts of joy. I am posting my thoughts online as an outlet for my journey through the grieving process, and maybe to help someone along the way. Grief and mourning is a lonely journey, feel free to keep me company.
My mom has been gone for almost 8 months now. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday that she left me, other days it seems like years since we last spoke. I guess it just depends on the day, kind of like a glass half empty or half full perspective, and I have so many examples of this glass... I'm glad I had 27 years with my mom, I'm sad I ONLY had 27 years with my mom. I'm glad she was my best friend, I'm sad that I never told her she was my best friend. The list can go on and on.
My mom lost her battle to ovarian cancer at 62 years young on August 30, 2009, a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was at the playground with my husband, my son Christopher who was a week and a half shy of turning two, and my three week old son Evan. Yes, that right, a three week old baby, let me put this into perspective for a moment and refresh my foggy memory. I was in the hospital for 4 days after a c-section, home for maybe 5 days, in a hospital in Brooklyn, NY for 9 days, home for 1 day, and then back to NY for 2 days. My three week old didn't know anyone but me, and my two year old wanted nothing to do with me. I will probably go into more detail on the time line next later.
I managed to keep busy for awhile, as I really had no time for myself anyway. I was nursing around the clock and chasing after a toddler who was well into his terrible two's. But as my baby grew and didn't need to be on me every 2 hours, and as my two year old grew more independent and began to explore his free play more, my mind began to wander. After 6 months I started seeing a grief counselor, a big step for me since anytime my husband suggested I go talk to someone I would yell and cry and leave the room.
My last session was yesterday after going for about 5 weeks in a row, and then taking a two week break between my last two sessions. In those two weeks I realized that I couldn't go to grief counseling forever and that I was ready to give it a go on my own. So here I am, blogging is my new therapy session. This took my way longer to put together than my weekly 45 minute sessions, so I am off to bed. Good night and if your are in a sad place today, my prayers are with you.
My mom has been gone for almost 8 months now. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday that she left me, other days it seems like years since we last spoke. I guess it just depends on the day, kind of like a glass half empty or half full perspective, and I have so many examples of this glass... I'm glad I had 27 years with my mom, I'm sad I ONLY had 27 years with my mom. I'm glad she was my best friend, I'm sad that I never told her she was my best friend. The list can go on and on.
My mom lost her battle to ovarian cancer at 62 years young on August 30, 2009, a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was at the playground with my husband, my son Christopher who was a week and a half shy of turning two, and my three week old son Evan. Yes, that right, a three week old baby, let me put this into perspective for a moment and refresh my foggy memory. I was in the hospital for 4 days after a c-section, home for maybe 5 days, in a hospital in Brooklyn, NY for 9 days, home for 1 day, and then back to NY for 2 days. My three week old didn't know anyone but me, and my two year old wanted nothing to do with me. I will probably go into more detail on the time line next later.
I managed to keep busy for awhile, as I really had no time for myself anyway. I was nursing around the clock and chasing after a toddler who was well into his terrible two's. But as my baby grew and didn't need to be on me every 2 hours, and as my two year old grew more independent and began to explore his free play more, my mind began to wander. After 6 months I started seeing a grief counselor, a big step for me since anytime my husband suggested I go talk to someone I would yell and cry and leave the room.
My last session was yesterday after going for about 5 weeks in a row, and then taking a two week break between my last two sessions. In those two weeks I realized that I couldn't go to grief counseling forever and that I was ready to give it a go on my own. So here I am, blogging is my new therapy session. This took my way longer to put together than my weekly 45 minute sessions, so I am off to bed. Good night and if your are in a sad place today, my prayers are with you.
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