I have been really down for the past few weeks. I have been meaning to blog and then I forget or I am too tired or something else comes up, or I just can't face it. I made the trip to NY last week but I didn't get to go through my mom's stuff or go to the cemetery. So basically this is turning out to be the never ending, longest, most dragged out process EVER! Not only that, but it's so lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to right now. I can hear God saying, turn to ME, lay all your pain and anxiety down on ME. I am trying so hard to. I am praying about it constantly, but now my anxiety is back and I am fighting a double battle, grief and anxiety.
One of our close friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy yesterday. I am so happy for her, but it reminds me that my mom is gone, why? I guess because it is a life changing event that reminds me that even though my mom is gone, life still goes on.
This is also reminding me of another time in my life. Almost four years ago I was mourning the loss of my first baby. When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. Within months my brother in laws girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my sister found out she was pregnant. Of course I was happy for both of them, but it is so hard to celebrate when you are mourning a loss.
Grief is winning right now and I am definitely losing. This coming Saturday is the first session of grief share at my church, I couldn't be more thankful to have an outlet right now.
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I love you Cahwee.
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