Lists Part II

I had a bunch of different topics that I silently explored while I folded laundry tonight,(I should make a list so I don't forget them), but then I realized that my blog about lists from last night, wasn't what I intended it to be and I had no idea until more than 24 hours later. This is what I meant to talk about last night...

After the first few sessions with my grief counselor, I began to really think about my mom. I needed to focus my attention on what things were bothering me in regards to losing her and get them out of my head or get answers. Guess what I did? I made a list!

We can call this my list of regrets. The regrets were mixed, both mine and hers. I know there were things she wanted to do, see experience, a big part of me feels that loss for her, wishing I could have changed things for her. I know that sounds silly, but for a good part of our relationship, I felt that our roles were reversed. I always saw her as needy and weak(yuck that sounds terrible). It wasn't until she was gone that I realized what a rough life she had and what a brave woman she was. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes, facing life alone after 25 years of marriage, I don't know how she did it, she was truly a fighter. But why couldn't I have seen that when she was here?

The other half of the list were my regrets, some are too personal to post. A big one is that I can't ask her questions about my childhood or our family. Evan is a thumb sucker and sometimes looks like he is going to inhale his whole fist, did I suck my thumb or take a pacifier? Christopher has been speaking full sentences since he was over a year old, did I do that too? When did I start crawling? Christopher started at 7 months, Evan is going on 9 months and is content to sit and roll.

I regret not getting pictures to her sooner. She never got to see Evan, she waited 9 months, and never got to see him. I think the pain of that will never go away and with any babies in the future I will feel the same way, so sad that she will never get to see them.

I made another list shortly after the list of regrets. We can call this list, What I Do Know. This list contains silly things, but things that I never want to forget, but might slip my mind over time. Her favorite author was Mary Higgins Clark(she scares me, I read one or two books and decided if my husband wasn't home I wouldn't be sleeping that night), she loved to needlepoint, she loved iced tea and hated coffee, she didn't like strawberries or watermelon, she liked to play her favorite songs on repeat, and my favorite... no matter how many times I corrected her she always called Boyz II Men, Boyz in the Hood.

These two lists have been therapeutic for me. It really helped to get those regrets out of my head. They were living there and taking up too much space. Some of them take up a temporary residence once in awhile, but now they live on my list. I can visit my list, but those regrets cannot come back with me.

Lists

I am a list maker. I used to make lists for everything. I gave up making lists when my mom died. Before mom got sick, my life was pretty predictable, but all of a sudden things were happening that I never could have or wanted to imagine.
Lists were so common place around my home. Lists of what I wanted to get done that day, over the course of the week, even over the month. There were grocery lists, lists of goals, New Year's resolutions lists, lists of things I needed to pack for the hospital, lists of things I wanted to get done before Evan was born.
Evan was supposed to be a scheduled c-section for August 15, 2009. I went into labor on the 8th, but was in denial all night long, why? Because of all of those lists! I wasn't ready and felt like control was ripped out from under me. I had a c-section on the 9th.
If anyone out there wants a wake up call about who is really in control, let me tell you, it's not you. My Lord & Savior is in control. I have been a believer for about two years, but I was always trying to do things my way and on my time.
I called my dad shortly before I went to the hospital, who then told me that my sister was at the hospital(she lives in Mississippi and was due on the 14th). Jed was born 2 or 3 hours before Evan.
Mom's health deteriorated quickly over the next few days, and I spent most of my time in the hospital crying. The day Evan and I were released, my mom was admitted for what doctors thought was just a bad infection from a cat bite and dehydration. Five days later she was put on a respirator.
Rewind 9 months... I found out I was pregnant with Evan right after mom came out of surgery and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She fought for nine months against stage four cancer. She was my best friend who called me every day, except after chemo when she was too weak. God kept her with me for nine months. He took her away at a fragile time, but at a time when I had a purpose. Sure I had a purpose before, wife, mother, but now I had to take care of a newborn, a baby who needed me around the clock.
I have started making lists again, but not as intensely as I had before. Why? Because life can change in an instant. My home will be cleaned whenever I get to it, God has bigger plans for us.