I'm Home!

I'm back! Home sweet home. My home sweet home has been invaded by my mom's stuff... But I am jumping ahead, let me rewind first.

We got to NY last Wednesday night, late, very late. My children are not good car sleepers. Christopher slept for the first half hour of the ride and the last 15 minutes. Evan maybe slept for half of the ride if that. They were not trouble makers though so the wakefulness wasn't a huge problem. Well we visited with some friends, saw my dad(Bagel Grandpa), I had a girls day out with my two best friend Kerri & Nina, looking for bridesmaid dresses for Nina's wedding.

Through all of this, a dark cloud followed me through the days(yes, my Eyore syndrome returned). On Saturday I woke up and started to get ready to go to her apartment alone. I decided I should do that so I knew my boys would have their daddy if they couldn't have me and so that I wouldn't have any distractions. I wanted to pack up, go to the cemetery, and get out! Her hubby is not a morning person so I figured I would get there around 11:30. Around 12, thanks to my handy GPS affectionately names Becky I arrived safely and with my car in tact, even after parallel parking. And a quick FYI, I am thankful to God that I remembered my defensive driving skills because you should need to have a special license to drive in NYC.

I never could have imagined what I was walking into. Their two bedroom apartment was filled to the brim with stuff. I'm talking, limited walking space with even less room to sit... After going through the stuff that he left out for me, I began to tackle the bedroom, bookshelves stuffed with books, dressers stuffed with clothes, nightstand stuffed... Anything that could be stuffed, was stuffed. After a little while I moved to the second bedroom. The bed was piled high with everything and anything. Papers, books, hangers, bags, clothes... I tried to do as much in this room as possible, but it was so overwhelming and I really felt like I wasn't even making a dent in the piles. I decided after talking to my hubby to skip the cemetery and just sort through as much as possible with the understanding that I would have to make at least one more trip. I probably packed 6 bags of clothes, loads of books, and a ridiculous amount of paper.

After working for hours and stopping briefly for pizza(probably the best NY pizza I've ever had) and a chocolate italian ice(in honor of mom) I made an executive decision to work until 5 and then call it a day. In about an hour and a half, we were able to clear 1 closet (WAHOO!). It then took us an hour to pack up my car... AN HOUR!!! I then sat in traffic for most of the ride back to my friends apartment, about 2 hours... When I got there I wanted bed & food, junk food, badly! I ate a sick amount of sour cream and onion chips while I waited for Kenny's return with my other bff and my Wendy's dinner, cheeseburger, fries, and a coffee toffee frosty. Then we stayed up past midnight at an impromptu slumber party.

By the time I got up a few short hours later, I couldn't imagine doing anything else but driving home. So we skipped our evening plans of seeing my favorite fireworks display with some old friends and hit the road.

So here I am. Home with about 10 boxes of stuff that I am working at a fast pace to get through. I WANT IT DONE! I know this sounds emotionless and robotic, but this is just the outline of my day. The rest will have to wait for tomorrow.

House Hunting

We looked at a house yesterday that I loved. It had a yard, lots of space, and pine trees! As soon as we walked in I felt my heart in my throat. The feeling has still not gone away completely yet. AS I drove home and looked at my phone, wanting to talk to someone, I realized the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom. I wanted to go into great detail with her about the house and to hear the excitement in her voice for me. I realized that this is another milestone in our lives that she is missing. I want her here so badly right now....

Lady in Red

I have heard instances when a person has lost someone but thinks they see them in a crowd or picks up the phone to call, forgetting for that split second that they can't. I haven't tried to call, though there have been times I have wanted to. I did think I saw her out of the corner of my eye the other day. I was in my car, and really this woman looked nothing like her, but for a second she was all I could see...

That's not the reason I wanted to blog today(as I look at the pile on the table I am supposed to be tackling right now...) I did a craft fair on Saturday with a friend who lost her mother shortly before I did, also to ovarian cancer. I love getting together with her and know that my feelings are safe with her no matter the topic because in one way or another she knows what I am going through.

Well we were at the craft fair, where there was a table of free stuff. Vendors and shoppers could bring their used books, clothes, magazines, cards, etc to donate and recycle within the community. Great idea right! Well the second I walked over there red roses jumped out at me from underneath a few other articles of clothing, and there lay a black dress with red roses on it. Almost the same dress that my mom wore to my sister's wedding. The one dress we scoured department stores for as we planned mom's funeral and tried to pick out an appropriate dress for her. We spent hours at the mall looking for something suitable for mom to be buried in and the picture that we had in our minds was that dress. I picked it up and looked at it. I could see her in it and it was even her size. I contemplated taking it, but really, what would I have done with it? Could I have looked at it in my closet everyday and not feel a thing? I wonder who will wear that dress? I wonder if someone's mother will wear it to their wedding. I wonder if I will find that dress when I look through my mom's things on Saturday. I wonder if mom loved that dress as much as we did...

Treasure Hunts & Emotional Road Maps

In 4 days we will be packing up and going on our first trip of the summer to NY. This trip will be fun and emotional. One thing it won't be is relaxing. I actually had to make a schedule of what/who/when/where for each day. It is so hard to plan with little ones and know that they are just going to be dragged around all day and rolling with whatever kooky plans we might come up with.

Next Saturday I get to go through my mom's stuff. I AM ANXIOUS! My mom was pretty private and at times I felt like I had to drag things out of her, so I'm really curious about what I will find. Will her two bowling trophies be there(one of them was a family joke because it could fit into the palm of your hand)? I wonder if she still has her bowling ball. How many needle points are there and how will we decide who gets what? Will all of her favorite music be in good shape for me to reminisce over. Will I be able to go through boxes of her papers while listening to some golden oldies? This adventure that I am about to embark on reminds me of a treasure hunt because I'm just not sure what will be there. Now if only there was a road map that could direct me through all of the emotions I will encounter as I see these things...

Fake Happiness

Whenever a milestone or event has come and gone in the last year, it has made me sad. It's dumb, but even when it has nothing to do with my mom, I'm sad that I can't tell her all about it and that she will never see whatever it is that is happening. Recently one of my best friends got engaged. I was thrilled for her of course, but I felt more sad than happy. But what's a girl to do, mask it baby! I know my feelings of mourning would be understood, but I don't think they are appropriate at these times.

A few weeks later, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I was so happy I cried. I started crying because I was so honored to be asked and then continued to cry because I wanted to tell my mom.

The other day when I was feeling really down I didn't want to throw a mask on, so I decided that I just wanted a quiet evening at home with my family. I could be sad if I wanted, I could even be alone if I wanted.

I wish more people would realize that the mourning/grieving period doesn't end on a certain date. One day could be fine, the next day could be terrible. Heck one minute could be fine, the next minute could be terrible. I wish more people asked how I am doing these days, or even brought my mom up in conversation. I know people think that it might be hurtful or insensitive to do those things, and yes it might hurt to talk about it, but it hurts more to hold it in. I wish more people could understand what grieving is like without having to experience it...

By the way, her voice is still on the voice mail...

Sadness

I'm having a bad day. I'm not going to get into the details of what set me off today. I even restrained myself from calling a friend to vent. I opened my Bible and read a Psalm, listened to my favorite praise & worship song on repeat and eventually cooled down. I made a big decision to take the high road today and I DIDN'T LIKE IT, but I know it was the right choice.

I'd like to say the rest of the day was sunshine and rainbows, but I just couldn't be happy and found myself in a dismal mood. The other day I was out running errands with the boys and a girlfriend and her son and every where we went this little black rain cloud seemed to follow us. That is how I am feeling today. I am Eeyore and I have a little black rain cloud lingering over my head.

The thing that I will not talk about that happened this morning made me miss my mom. Let me tell you why. We talked everyday, never via email or text, always on the phone! I feel that human communication has been lost through this tunnel of technology. I am guilty of texting and emailing too, but I am thinking about giving both up. I MISS TALKING TO PEOPLE! Computers have allowed us to bow out of talking, even getting together. Yes it has bridged a gap where it is of course faster than snail mail, but you know what? I LIKE GETTING MAIL! It is also more convenient for some people to send an email if their day is too loud or busy to chat on the phone, but you know what I have to say to that? MAKE TIME! This week I am going to practice calling people instead of emailing or texting. Anyone with me?

And one more question to ponder until next time... Why is it easier to talk to friends than to family?

Dreams

I don't know how normal this is, but mom has entered my dreams. I only have one that I remember so far from a few nights ago. Lately I have been having really strange and vivid dreams. It seems like I am always running from someone or something bad on a nightly basis. I guess that would explain the near anxiety attacks as I try to go to sleep every night.

Let me tell you(or maybe just me) about the dream. It was the one year anniversary of mom's death, but she was there... Her husband was dressed in his suit and talking to her on the beach(I live in a beach town). Then it was my turn. I held her and cried, cried, cried. I sobbed that I wasn't ready for her to leave me, why did she have to go. I sobbed so hard, "I NEED YOU." I know it was only a dream, but I swear I physically felt her presence in my dream.

When I was in junior high or high school, I remember browsing through dream journals at the bookstore with my friends. You know, those books that tell you what things in your dreams symbolize? This one seems self explanatory to me, I'm mourning the loss of my mother and I miss her. Some days I don't acknowledge these feelings. I see them in passing and that's all I have time for. I made promises to myself after mom died, and lately I think I am failing at them. No more, here are my promises/goals...
1) Have more fun with my babies, forget about our schedule once in awhile and enjoy the now.
2) Spend as much quality time with my husband as possible and have fun together.
3) Enjoy my hobbies and find new ones.
4) Do things that I have always wanted to do.
5) Tackle nagging tasks.
6) Live in the moment.
7) Don't do without.
8) Make memories.
9) If tomorrow never comes, how will I be remembered?

A Little More on that Anxiety Post

My internet has been sucktastic over the past few days. One minute it works the next minute I can't get on. Oh well, here I am. I am sad to report that even though I have had no internet access, I have wasted lots of time trying to get on rather than giving up and getting an actual task done!

But now that I am here, let's talk anxiety. My heart has basically been in my throat for the past few days. I go to bed at night thinking I'm going to have a heart attack because my heart is beating so fast. The smallest things are triggering memories these days, so it seems that I am not safe at all in my own brain.

I am guessing that the majority of this anxiety is being triggered by the one year anniversary of mom's death which is in August. However, we also have a very busy summer which we kick off in just a few weeks by going to NY, where I will spend one day going through mom's stuff and visiting the cemetery. I am super anxious about this. In one day I will pack away her life in boxes, bring some home with me, donate some stuff, send some stuff to my sister... I wouldn't want to stretch this event out over days, but ONE DAY is really getting to me! Ok I am moving on, I'm getting anxious.

In July, we are packing up my hubby's side of the family and going to Story Land in NH. I am excited for this trip because I think Christopher is going to have so much fun. But the thought of it is overwhelming. 4 Children under 6...

In August my side of the family is packing and heading to North Carolina for our first destination vacation. We chose North Carolina because it is just about half way between us in Massachusetts and my sister in Mississippi.I can't wait to see my nieces and nephews and to see all the kids playing together.We will also get to celebrate Evan's and Jed's first birthdays together but of course that is overshadowed by a sadness that mom won't get to be there with us.

On top of all of that, we are constantly waiting for my hubby to get called for the fire department and house hunting. All of these things exciting, all milestones. All of these things reminding me that she is gone, that she can't be a part of these things.

I can't even proof read this right now for fear of hyperventilating... FYI, I am not usually a nervous or anxious person. I pray this will go away in time...