Fake Happiness

Whenever a milestone or event has come and gone in the last year, it has made me sad. It's dumb, but even when it has nothing to do with my mom, I'm sad that I can't tell her all about it and that she will never see whatever it is that is happening. Recently one of my best friends got engaged. I was thrilled for her of course, but I felt more sad than happy. But what's a girl to do, mask it baby! I know my feelings of mourning would be understood, but I don't think they are appropriate at these times.

A few weeks later, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I was so happy I cried. I started crying because I was so honored to be asked and then continued to cry because I wanted to tell my mom.

The other day when I was feeling really down I didn't want to throw a mask on, so I decided that I just wanted a quiet evening at home with my family. I could be sad if I wanted, I could even be alone if I wanted.

I wish more people would realize that the mourning/grieving period doesn't end on a certain date. One day could be fine, the next day could be terrible. Heck one minute could be fine, the next minute could be terrible. I wish more people asked how I am doing these days, or even brought my mom up in conversation. I know people think that it might be hurtful or insensitive to do those things, and yes it might hurt to talk about it, but it hurts more to hold it in. I wish more people could understand what grieving is like without having to experience it...

By the way, her voice is still on the voice mail...