A Little More on that Anxiety Post

My internet has been sucktastic over the past few days. One minute it works the next minute I can't get on. Oh well, here I am. I am sad to report that even though I have had no internet access, I have wasted lots of time trying to get on rather than giving up and getting an actual task done!

But now that I am here, let's talk anxiety. My heart has basically been in my throat for the past few days. I go to bed at night thinking I'm going to have a heart attack because my heart is beating so fast. The smallest things are triggering memories these days, so it seems that I am not safe at all in my own brain.

I am guessing that the majority of this anxiety is being triggered by the one year anniversary of mom's death which is in August. However, we also have a very busy summer which we kick off in just a few weeks by going to NY, where I will spend one day going through mom's stuff and visiting the cemetery. I am super anxious about this. In one day I will pack away her life in boxes, bring some home with me, donate some stuff, send some stuff to my sister... I wouldn't want to stretch this event out over days, but ONE DAY is really getting to me! Ok I am moving on, I'm getting anxious.

In July, we are packing up my hubby's side of the family and going to Story Land in NH. I am excited for this trip because I think Christopher is going to have so much fun. But the thought of it is overwhelming. 4 Children under 6...

In August my side of the family is packing and heading to North Carolina for our first destination vacation. We chose North Carolina because it is just about half way between us in Massachusetts and my sister in Mississippi.I can't wait to see my nieces and nephews and to see all the kids playing together.We will also get to celebrate Evan's and Jed's first birthdays together but of course that is overshadowed by a sadness that mom won't get to be there with us.

On top of all of that, we are constantly waiting for my hubby to get called for the fire department and house hunting. All of these things exciting, all milestones. All of these things reminding me that she is gone, that she can't be a part of these things.

I can't even proof read this right now for fear of hyperventilating... FYI, I am not usually a nervous or anxious person. I pray this will go away in time...