Where is she?

Today we celebrated Memorial Day by going down to the village and watching the parade while listening(as much as possible when you have two babies) to the speeches. While my mother isn't buried at the cemetery we were at, quite a few loved ones are. But truth be told, when Christopher asked about the stones, I thought about my mom. Kenny didn't go into detail about the stones. I started a dialogue in my head of how to explain what they were but didn't finish that conversation with myself.

Later on as I pulled alternating kids(my nieces and my boys) in our wagon up and down the street before dinner, I thought about mom. I remembered how she was at the end. I thought about how much I wanted to talk to her again. And I wondered where she is now. While all I can do is have faith, hope, and pray that she is waiting for me in Heaven, I can never be sure of that.

I'm a born again Christian and I believe that in order to go to Heaven, you need to be saved. My mom wasn't Christian. As far as I know she really had no faith or religion in her life. While she lay in her hospital bed my sister read to her from Psalms and when I knew she wasn't returning to us, I asked her if I could tell her my favorite verse from Philipians 4:6-7, which says in a nut shell, to ask God for whatever you need and he will give it to you. I told my mom it was ok to let go, and that she could ask God to take her. I don't know if she did, but I hope so everyday...

Anxiety

It's Memorial Day weekend, a time to celebrate our troops and the official summer kickoff! As I think about the upcoming summer I am flooded with anxiety. We have so many plans, lots of exciting things to look forward to, but I feel like my heart is in my throat and I am a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. More on that tomorrow...

Wonderful world of books!

I love to read, but I do so in big bursts and then I won't touch another book for months. For the past few weeks I have devoured one book after another. First I read Kate Gosselin's new book. That was a guilty pleasure read. I think I read that one looking for gossip, oh that sounds terribl. But it was really sweet letters to her children. She did not bad mouth her husband once and she recognized that she was to blame in many situations.

Next I read The Happiness Project. I enjoyed this one a lot. It's one woman's project to find happiness in her life in one year. I could relate with a lot of her thoughts and feelings and today as I was having a bad kind of day, I remembered her saying that it takes so much less energy to just be angry and lose your temper than to be happy. You really have to put forth an effort to not let off steam and let the little things go. I tried to put that into perspective for my afternoon, to laugh a little more, frown a little less.

I am currently reading a new book by Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song. I won't disclose any information about this book because it is new fiction and there is a movie out. But in typical Nicholas Sparks fashion, I have teared up several times already. There is one hospital scene that took me right back to a familiar place. I guess seeing a loved one in the hospital is the same for most people. So why is it such a lonely experience? Why don't more people talk about it? The expectations on our society makes me crazy sometimes!

Parenting

I was beside myself yesterday. If I hear one more person say that my baby needs to get over this "mama" thing, I might lose it. 1- His behavior is age appropriate. 2- He has been home with me since day 1. 3- He is my baby. 4- This will not last forever.

I am going to savor, love, and appreciate every moment that my baby squeezes my elbow and holds onto my hair when I try to hand him off to someone else. At a time not too far off from now, my baby will be running away from me, off to play with his friends, taking the bus to school... Who knows, but while he will always be MY BABY, he won't always be A BABY.

I am his mama, I love him and he loves me too! He proves it every time I try to let him go. So I'm not letting him go any sooner than I need to!

Clutter

I'm physically tired, emotionally tired, tired of making to do lists and not getting anything done, tired of doing the same things day in and day out. Man I am tired! I decided that I am tired of looking at clutter and in order to stop looking at clutter I need to tackle it. I emptied out the metal mail box that we have hanging right outside of our kitchen, a task I have been putting off. That mail box is like a junk drawer. Every loose piece of paper, junk mail, pens, lists, receipts, all find their way into the mail box. I have known very well what was sitting in the back of it for a while, but just couldn't face it the last time I cleaned it out, so I just put it all back in. A pile of greeting cards has been sitting in the mail box for the past 9 months. Cards saying congratulations, cards saying happy birthday, and cards sending sympathies. I went through those cards today. I cried. I put them in a pile on the table and tomorrow I will find a home for them. I don't know what else to do with them. I'm afraid of throwing them out... Anyone have any suggestions?

Why do I fall asleep faster on the couch than I do in my bed?

I just fell asleep on the couch while Kenny and I were watching a movie. All I wanted to do tonight was relax and watch a movie and I fell asleep.. Ahhh, I guess that means I am tired and should go to bed. Maybe I can actually write about something meaningful tomorrow.

Goodnight!

Tomorrow is the big day. My first official craft fair. I get to sell my mother's chocolate and maybe share her story. Goodnight!

Being Thankful

I've been lazy lately. Maybe not as lazy as I could be, but too lazy for ME! I know I was sick for two weeks, and I've been preparing for this craft fair, but I feel like other chores have been neglected. The biggest thing I have been neglecting is myself. I don't mean that I haven't bought myself something pretty recently(I haven't but that's not me or the point). I mean that I haven't been taking care of this body that God has given me.

After watching my moms body deteriorate for months a few things went through my mind. She rarely indulged in foods that she loved because they weren't healthy, so all that healthy food turned into a joke at the end because it was keeping her alive when she shouldn't have been. We can look at this in two ways...
1-Eat all the junk you want because you only live once.
2-Eat as healthy as you can so you can live a long life and honor the body that God gave you.
My mom's situation was turned into a joke because she did eat healthy to help with her chronically high cholesterol, but her cholesterol was always high no matter what, and the cancer ended up taking her life anyway.

So after all of that happened I started running. This turned into the best therapy for me. I would drive down to the beach at the end of a long day, run as much as I could, get in the car, blast some Jason M'raz(spelling please?) and cry my eyes out on the way home. I didn't have an ipod at the time so I borrowed my hubby's. His headphone wouldn't stay in my little ears though so I ran in silence, which scared me! But I began to use my running time as my prayer time. I thanked God that I had a healthy body, that I had the ability to run, and when the running got tough I asked God to carry me to my finish line, and I believe that He did.

I have only been running once since the fall, I've been eating junk, and not getting enough sleep. I feel like I am being careless with this gift from God. I don't know how long I will have it for, but I pray it will be a long time. I think it's time to start being thankful for my functioning body and to use it in ways that would honor God.

Blessings

All I want to say is I'm too tired to blog tonight, but would that really count right now as a viable entry here. I was transfixed to the tv tonight as I watched my new fave show, "Grey's Anatomy." Every time someone is dying on that show or hooked up to tubes and monitors, I get a little sad. Maybe that's the wrong show for me to be watching because really, it's a hospital show, everyone is hooked up to tubes and monitors!

So there was a shooter on the show tonight and he was nuts and going after everyone. But the part that tugged at my heartstrings was when Meredith Grey miscarried. I lost my first baby when I was about 6 weeks pregnant. It felt like my world was crumbling all around me. This woman lost her baby as she is simultaneously losing her husband and friends all around her.

One thing I have learned is that blessing are hidden and have a funny way of not being revealed right away. Christopher was my blessing after we lost our first baby. Would I have rather not miscarried? Of course! But, would that mean I wouldn't have my Bubbas?

Sometimes I think I'm not appreciative enough of all the blessing I have been given. I don't laugh and have fun enough, and I don't really take the time to slow down and enjoy the moment, although cliche, they are fleeting.

The three men in my life are all blessings. My husband, who pulled me out of the darkness and showed me love. I love him so much! Christopher, my angel baby after my first baby went to be an angel. Evan, my angel baby and companion as I was losing my mom. My three men are my three angels here on earth and tomorrow, I am going to thank God often for them and slow down and love them!

It's time

I talked to my mom's husband tonight and we set up a date to go through her things. I'm guessing I will be spending the next months worth of posts on this. My emotions right now are mixed. I am obviously sad that we have to do it, I'm looking forward to finally doing it, I wonder what memories it will stir up...

Breakthrough?

I think tonight was one of the first times that I got to go out by myself, that I didn't sob to a song on the radio. Breakthrough?

On the negativity train...

Day 22. I can't believe I have stuck to this for 22 days! I don't know if I have ever stuck to anything for this amount of time. I'm bumming tonight.

Reason 1- our town's election was today and the education over ride did not pass! Our school are in trouble. I'm so thankful my boys aren't in the system yet, but if we settle down here they will be and that's scary.

Reason 2- Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life away. At the end of the day I can't help but think, did I do anything today to contribute to the good of anything or anyone? Not at home. I lost my temper and was impatient with at least two of the men in my life. In my society? Well I voted but the town sucks so that doesn't even matter!

I better go to bed and sleep off this bad mood!

Questionable Feelings

I heard her voice today. It's still on her answering machine. I'm not sure how I feel about that...

So much to do, so little time...

Grandma's Sweet Shoppe will be attending it's very first craft fair next Sunday. I wonder what my mom would think about this. I think she'd get a kick out of it.

My cough is still lingering, making me crazy. But what is really making me crazy is that I had big plans to make lots of sweets for the craft fair and to spread it out over a month. Well I have been sick for two weeks and now I have to make up for lost time. There is so much to do, I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to make too much and have loads of leftovers, but I also want to have something to satisfy everyone's sweet tooth.

It is going to be a long week. A week spent in the kitchen, making boatloads of chocolate, feeling mom's presence every step of the way. I know prayers are in order this week. Prayers of thanksgiving, that I am able to make these sweets and share them with others.

Old Time Faves

My hubby and I are watching the movie, "Get Smart." Well we were watching it until I fell asleep. He is still watching it but I decided that I will have to finish it later as I have missed a good chunk of it now.

When I was in elementary school I loved watching all the old shows on Nick at Nite. Get Smart, Dragnet, I Love Lucy, The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, (hubby is sleeping now!) The Donna Reed Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Leave it to Beaver, Green Acres, Lassie... I'm pretty sure my mom didn't like Get Smart(because Maxwell Smart was an airhead), but she loved I love Lucy. Her favorite episodes were the ones with the grape stomping and the chocolate factory.

I loved the simplicity of those shows and wished I could live in those times. As I look back now after not watching most of those shows in ten or more years, I long for those times that I have never experienced. I wish I could raise my kids in a slower paced society. I have often felt rushed and I have made it a point to try and slow down. I try to hit my daily schedule as often as possible, but on a day when we are out and about, running errands or having fun, I try to loosen up. I try to pack our lunches for a picnic as often as possible, have extra clothes, diapers, and other supplies on hand so we don't have to make any unnecessary expenses or go home prematurely.

Most of those old shows had their fair share of hardships, Mary Tyler Moore was a single career woman(ground breaking storyline for that time), Mike Brady was a widower, Carol Brady was a widow, The Partridge Family was raised by a single mom... But times were slow and simple. Husbands, when there was one, worked all day and provided for their family, wives raised the children, the children played outside, went to school and helped set the table for dinner.

Now that I am married and am raising a family, I know more and more people who are striving for these old time ideals which is comforting. But I also know plenty of people who simply can't raise their families on one income, times are tough and life is expensive. My husband and I have made many sacrifices for me to stay home and raise our kids. Sometimes I want to throw our budget out the window because it is so tight. But not a day goes by when I am not grateful to God for providing all of our needs and allowing me to stay home with my children.

So the next time I'm feeling a little blue, maybe I will put on a little I Love Lucy for some comedic relief to lighten the load on a dreary day, and maybe mom will be watching with me.

Who can I turn to?

I needed some motherly advice today. I wanted to ask my mother... I drew a blank and felt lonely. I needed someone who has been there, done that. Someone who could sympathize with my need. I needed my mom today.

Chocolate

Mom always made chocolate candies for as long as I can remember. Her favorite sweet was white chocolate clusters which is raisins, peanuts, and marshmallows mixed in with chocolate. She played around with molds when I was younger, making turkeys for thanksgiving or pumpkins for Halloween. She even made a milk chocolate gingerbread house a few times and placed in contests. Over the years she never lost her desire to make chocolate, she just lost a desire to do a lot of the time consuming work that was involved. It hurt her back to stand in the kitchen and fill molds, holding them up to the light and checking for holes. So she moved on to dipping pretzels, cookies, and potato chips in chocolate. She loved presenting these sweets as gifts.

As she lay on her death bed(sad but true), my sister came up with a business her family could do at home, "Grandma's Sweet Shoppe." I fell in love and jumped right in, figuring she could do business by her and I could do business by me. So with the death of my mom came the birth of a business dedicated to her memory.

I love making these chocolate sweets. It takes me back in time. I can picture her in the kitchen, working over her double boiler, held in place by a paper towel, filling molds, holding them up to the light, and filling in holes with tooth picks. Every time I make something new, I want to call her and tell her all about it and I wish that she was here to sample it or to see the legacy that she has left for her family.

Last night I made Inside Out S'MORES! My taste testers/very good friends had the grueling task of trying them out. Success! I feel a surge of pride run through my veins when I make something that comes out that yummy, but I don't feel like it's my own, I feel like it comes from her.

Planting Investments & Reaping Rewards

I'm feeling better today. That's the first time I am actually able to say that in over a week. I took the boys to the playground this morning and we had a picnic. It felt so good to get out of the house.

This afternoon Evan had his 9 month well visit. Evan is a peanut, a string bean, lean & mean, tall & skinny. He is just the happiest and most content baby(as long as mama is around). My little boy has grown 2 inches in three months putting him in the 42nd percentile for height. And in true form of being lean and mean, he only gained 1 pound 2 ounces putting him in the 0 percentile. Needless to say there is a weight check in our future.

The doctor, who is one of Christopher's favorite people, wasn't concerned about the hives that broke out all over his body on Saturday(relief) and thinks it was just viral.

I used to call my mom after every doctor's appointment or well visit with Christopher. She always wanted to know what was going on with her grandson, how he was growing... Mom lived far away but she tried to be connected to what was going on. I thought about her as we left today and felt empty. I didn't have anyone to call at five o'clock in the evening. What a lonely feeling, but mourning is lonely. No one else feels the way I feel or is grieving in the exact way I am grieving. I am lonely in that aspect but also find comfort in it because I'm thankful for having a mom that wanted to be so involved with my family. She invested the time into knowing her grandson and reaped the rewards when Christopher picked up the phone and talked to her for a few minutes. I know how proud she would be of him today and I can just see her smiling down on both of my boys.

Just like the time my mom invested to reap the rewards, Christopher and I planted seeds for my mom and we hope to watch them grow into flowers.

Too tired...

Still not feeling well and just fell asleep during 24. I guess that means I should go to bed...

Expectations

Ever have certain expectation of something and then nothing happens? Well today was Mother's Day, and I didn't know what to feel, I guess I wasn't feeling anything. That's not true, I was feeling thankful for my boys and my hubby. But I think I was expecting this big sadness to sweep over me, and it just didn't come. I got sad for a moment in the car when Tim McGraw sang, "Live Like You Were Dying," but that was the extent of my sadness. I miss my mom. I miss her voice. I miss calling to tell her things. Of course I miss having a mother on mother's day... but I miss her everyday, why should one day be different? That's my perspective tonight.

Mother's Day Eve

Flower pots painted- Check
Soil and seeds- Check
Cute pipe cleaner flowers inserted- Check

Now, I wait for the big day. I told my husband that Mother's Day starts at midnight, which means that if any child makes a peep before 7 am, I am off duty, but really, I could always use a good snuggle, so I'm sure I will still be on alert.

We had an interesting day(to say the least). Christopher broke out in hives and we don't know why. He is fine now and I guess we will just have to wait and talk to his primary care doctor next week. My dad was here visiting so we got to have a nice lunch out and we also went to an open house. This was the first house we looked at in our price range which wasn't a dump, but it was just too small for our over sized furniture. I was disappointed and wondering if I was just being too picky now. I know that God has something better in store for us, we just have to be patient.

I'm feeling better today. I still have a nasty cough which is making my throat hurt something fierce! I'm hoping if I get a good amount of sleep tonight I can sleep it off? Sounds good in theory.

Tonight as I nursed Evan I stopped on our small towns television station and watched a little awards show presentation. 5th graders wrote essays about why they think their mom is the best. One essay brought me to tears and made me miss my mom so much. It also made me hope that my boys feel that way about me.

I also thought of something special I would like to do for my boys, it's something I have thought about before but never got around to it/ it didn't seem like a big deal. I want to get some notebooks and record things in their daily lives. What a special keepsake this could be for them one day. Yes I have kept up with their baby books(for the most part), and I will sit down and work on scrapbooks one day(as their is no lack in photos!) But sometimes my boys do the funniest things and I wonder how long I will remember these things for. Evan ate almost a quarter of a bagel today, at lunch I turned around and he was holding Christopher's grilled cheese sandwich(I don't know whether Christopher gave it up willingly or if I am starving my baby), and he now makes the goofiest face where he purses his lips, scrunches up his nose and huffs and puffs out of his nose. He knows how funny we think he is so he keeps doing it! And Christopher, well tonight while I was helping him get his jammies on he said, "I am exhausted!" He is two, how funny is that!
I would like to start this journal tomorrow, so I will have to get to the store, hopefully I will remember.

Well, I should head to bed, as I would really like to feel better by tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's out there! Goodnight!

Mother's Day Spoiler Alert!

This cough is lingering still, nagging the heck out of me, and leaving my voice a mess at the end of the day, but hey, at least it's back. I did get out of the house today though! After nap time I loaded the boys into the car and headed out to do some very last minute Mother's Day Shopping. I must say, that as much as I like to be surprised, I saw lots of things that I could use right now and had a vision of loading it all into the shopping cart, wrapping it all up, giving it to my hubby and saying, "this is from you and the boys, thank you!" But what fun is that?

I got the boys into bed on time tonight and had some alone time. My mind is overloaded with a million and one things that either need to get done, I want to get done, I'd like to do some day... When I have that many things on my plate, nothing gets done. It is now 11pm on Friday night, the boys clothes just made it into the dryer and I decided that our clothes are just going to have to sit in the laundry basket tonight because you couldn't pay me enough to get off this couch!

I'm sure none of the mama's in my life will read this before Mother's Day, so I can disclose the following information here. Christopher and I picked up ceramic flower pots and seeds for his Nanny(my mother in law) and two Aunts. After dinner he painted them, calling them his "master piece" and proclaiming after each stroke, "Look what I've created(or something along those lines)" while he thrust his brush into the air(he picked this scene up from an episode of Clifford the Big Red Dog). Evan helped too. I painted his little fingers, gave him the base of the flower pot, prayed he wouldn't throw it off of his tray, and let him turn it round and round in his little painted hands.

After the boys went to sleep, I painted a flower pot for my mom. Yes, she's been gone for 8 months now, but making something in her memory, just made it seem so final... It hurt a bit. But with spring comes a new beginning, longer days, warmer weather, flowers blooming... Things she will never get to experience again, but I can live them for her, by keeping her memory alive.

Tomorrow we will fill our pots with dirt and plant some seeds in each one. I pray that mom's grows tall and strong and that it lives for a long time!

Remembering mom on Mother's Day

I barely slept a wink last night between coughing and being stuffy. I rolled out of bed at 5:45 am to take a hot shower to relieve my nasal passages. Thankfully my husband was home all day after working an unexpected double yesterday, so I was finally able to take a break, sort of... Do mom's ever really get to take a break though?

I'm hoping the very short nap and some much needed R & R on the couch will have me on the mend by tomorrow, as I would like to start this Mother's Day weekend off on a positive note.

I'm still so conflicted about how I want to celebrate Mother's Day. We haven't been able to start any traditions in the past because my husbands schedule was always changing. I'm still skeptical on his off days if he is really home, or if we are just waiting on a call to bring him back to work. Part of me wanted to visit the cemetery, but I knew that wouldn't be fair to my family. While I knew they would understand, how can I abandon my living family who wants to celebrate their momma?
On my birthday I asked my husband to get a Carvel cake because it was mom's favorite. I'd like to think of a special way to remember her this Sunday, rather than just sitting in my room or my car crying(did that on my birthday too). Here are a few ideas I have for remembering mom on Mother's Day...

1. Make a cd of her favorite songs and play it softly in the background.
2. Plant a flower, tree, or garden and dedicate part of it to her.
3. Find a favorite picture, put it in a pretty frame, and leave out where you can see it.
4. Write a poem about the good times you shared or why you were thankful to have her in your life.

And sicker still...

Up to day 4 now, and no sign of relief in sight. I barely slept last night first because I couldn't stop coughing and later because I got stuffy, but then I couldn't breathe through my moth because that made me cough, ugh and my babies, they need me and I just need rest. I fear that I will never get better if I don't get some rest. Mommies should have a super strong immune system, because you can't call in sick from being mom!

I did try to laugh more today, what a day to start. My laugh sounds like a cry right now and is painful. I tried as hard as I could to laugh with my babies at everything and anything. But as nap time approached I grew grumpy and tired, I will cut myself some slack today, but that's it!

After the boys were finally asleep in their beds tonight, I went in to check on them before I closed the door. Christopher is allowed to look at books in bed, so good for his eyes in the dark, but it has transitioned him into sharing a room with his baby brother. Well, most kids snuggle a bear or other assorted stuffed animals; on most nights I can find my child asleep with a book in his arms or clutched against his chest. He is 2.8 and a bookworm already, definitely my child!

I remember one year during Christmas vacation, my mom and I just read books all day long. I'm not sure how old I was, but I was reading chapter books already, so maybe in the second or third grade. While I don't remember being read to as a child, I remember the love of books that was fostered in my home.

As I watch Christopher open a book and either recite the story from memory or make up his own narrative to go along with the pictures, I wonder what he will be when he grows up. A writer? A librarian? Of course he assures me he will be a firefighter on most days, I know that no matter what he chooses, I will always love him and support him. But it's fun to have dreams for him. I wonder what my mom dreamed I would be. Maybe she just hoped I would finish high school. I know she wanted me to pursue my dream of being a writer. And I know after she started collecting social security and seeing that it wasn't enough to live off of after working for 20 + years, she was worried that I would be in the same position one day.

I find greater purpose these days to bringing my dreams to fruition. I would give anything to have a book published and have my mom here to see it. I guess that just falls right in line with taking advantage of every moment we are given today.

As for today, I'm too sick to think about it anymore. Good night!

Day 3 of Laryngitis...

It's now day three of having laryngitis, it's killing my throat and my spirit. Have you ever heard the expression, "when mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy." You can come to my house and live it right now. My voice is more present and available today, but I lose about every other syllable and I'm croaking the words out. I have a constant tickle at the back of my throat which is making me cough causing some rib pain, and now I feel like I might be developing a sinus infection. There should be a rule against moms getting sick. I surely can't call out of work, mama works 24/7. I even caved today and put the television on for Christopher while Evan napped. On the rare occasion that we put the television on, it's usually a video. But today I needed my boy to get sucked into show after show, so I could give my voice a break.

On day one of this I was a little impatient with life, at day three, my patience is pretty thin. I find myself nit picking at everything that is irritating me about anyone around me(I'm so fun to be around right now). By the time I finally got some quiet today, I wondered, how much joy do I experience daily or is my current demeanor more of a scowl? Yes currently I am grouchy because I'm not feeling well, but is this current me that far off from the everyday me?

Sometimes after I lose my temper,I think, what if this was my time to go, is this how I want to leave things? Absolutely not! I want to be filled with joy and laughter. I want to giggle with my boys and get lost in happy moments. I want to give them hugs and kisses all day long and always remind them how much I love them. I want to shower my husband with all of the love and affection I gave him when our relationship was brand new. I want to love to the best of my ability, where it's pouring out of my body, and radiating sunshine through my skin. I want to love in case there is no tomorrow. Because tomorrow isn't promised. I wish I could go back and hug my mom, love on her a whole lot, show her how much she meant to me. But I can't. So tomorrow when I wake up, I will thank God for a new day, and love from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

Short and not too sweet...

Laryngitis isn't a terrible thing for a writer to be suffering from, better than writer's block. However it is no good for a mother of a two year old to be suffering from... Good night!

What will it be like?

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Halloween, Valentine's Day. All of these holidays and special occasions have come and gone. It's weird when someone you love dies, it feels like the world should just stop, but it doesn't.

Christopher turned 2 a week and a half after mom passed away. I decided to still throw him a party, but truth be told, I was not in a party mood. I went through with it because life must go on for the living, but really, because my mom adored Christopher and I knew she would have wanted him to have a party. Well, lots of guests arrived that day, most I hadn't seen or talked to since Evan was born 4 weeks before. Everyone shared their condolences, etc. By present time, I was DONE! I didn't care if I saw my baby open another thing. Evan needed to nurse towards the end of the party so I took him and ran inside. I needed to be away from it all.

A month later was Halloween. I felt overwhelmed and anxious. After visiting some friends, we headed to my in laws to take pictures with the cousins, have dinner, and trick or treat. As soon as we got there I realized I left the diaper bag at our friends house, so rather than let my husband go get it, I grabbed for the keys and ran out of the house, tears racing down my face, I blasted some crying music and mourned that mom would never see my boys dressed as pumpkins or anything else in the future...

Christmas came and went. It wasn't a holiday we ever celebrated together, but that didn't fill the gaping hole in my heart, and worse was the anxiety bubbling over as I awaited my birthday 2 days later. I wondered about that day since I found out mom was sick because we shared a birthday.

At my request, being my birthday, I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or celebrate with anyone(except my boys and my hubby). I took some Christmas cash and went on a shopping spree(alone) at Target, a 25-30 minute drive each way, I did my share of weeping. After dinner we had my mom's favorite, a Carvel cake. I was more than ready for the day to be over.

Mother's Day is next Sunday... I don't know what it will be like... I don't know what to expect...I'm trying not to think about it in order to keep the anxiety down to a minimum. I don't know how I want to celebrate the day or what I want to do. Part of me wishes we could skip all holidays that will make me cry(so realistic right?), but a bigger part of me desires to make a big deal out of these special days that only come once a year because I never got to experience such traditions before.

I have 6 days to think about it, worry about it, imagine what it will be like...

Craptastic

My language is usually pretty clean, I try not to swear, which is funny considering I sounded like a sailor in high school. I titled this blog craptastic because that is the only word that comes to mind to describe a movie I saw tonight. "Everybody's Fine." I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I won't give away details. About halfway through I had a thought that it should have been called, "Everybody Sucks."

In a nutshell, Robert De Niro's character is a widower and has four kids scattered around the country. He decides to take a road trip to visit each one of them. Now I figured the story line of the kids losing their mother would have brought me to tears, no, it was the way the kids treated their dad, or maybe how they didn't treat him. They barely talked to him. This broke my heart. I hope I am forming the basis of a long and close relationship with my kids that will outlast me.

The part of the movie that made me craptastically sad was when the father ended up in the hospital. There was a scene of just empty hallways, white walls, and he was alone. It brought me back to that Brooklyn hospital where I spent so much time.
Hospitals are so depressing. Every corner looks the same, and the smell of the food, ugh, gag me. The only way I was ever able to find my mom was by looking for the prison guards stationed two doors down, prisoner hand cuffed to his bed. I always made sure I crossed to the other side of the wing and circled back. I know the man was handcuffed but I had an irrational fear of him jumping out and the prison guards pouncing on him. Maybe I was somewhere in the heap or thrown to the side, either way, I steered clear.

I can't imagine the feeling of laying there alone, nothing to look at but a postcard sized TV and the walls while monitors constantly beeped, slow, slow, slow... fast, but nobody came to check as those red and green lights flashed unless we flagged a nurse down.

Mom had two surgeries, after her second surgery, she was bed ridden and out of it for quite awhile. When I finally spoke to her she told me about her roommate. Her roommate had some kind of cancer, she was loud at all hours of the day, on the phone until late at night, and had the nerve to ask my mom to quiet down. She had surgery after my mom did, she didn't make it... I could tell by her tone that this event broke a part of her spirit. She was upset, saying it could have been her, but that she didn't feel ready, it wasn't her time yet. I told her to stop talking like that, that she was going to get better and do things. Of course I said that, it was a craptastic situation. I couldn't exactly say, everything is fine...