What will it be like?

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Halloween, Valentine's Day. All of these holidays and special occasions have come and gone. It's weird when someone you love dies, it feels like the world should just stop, but it doesn't.

Christopher turned 2 a week and a half after mom passed away. I decided to still throw him a party, but truth be told, I was not in a party mood. I went through with it because life must go on for the living, but really, because my mom adored Christopher and I knew she would have wanted him to have a party. Well, lots of guests arrived that day, most I hadn't seen or talked to since Evan was born 4 weeks before. Everyone shared their condolences, etc. By present time, I was DONE! I didn't care if I saw my baby open another thing. Evan needed to nurse towards the end of the party so I took him and ran inside. I needed to be away from it all.

A month later was Halloween. I felt overwhelmed and anxious. After visiting some friends, we headed to my in laws to take pictures with the cousins, have dinner, and trick or treat. As soon as we got there I realized I left the diaper bag at our friends house, so rather than let my husband go get it, I grabbed for the keys and ran out of the house, tears racing down my face, I blasted some crying music and mourned that mom would never see my boys dressed as pumpkins or anything else in the future...

Christmas came and went. It wasn't a holiday we ever celebrated together, but that didn't fill the gaping hole in my heart, and worse was the anxiety bubbling over as I awaited my birthday 2 days later. I wondered about that day since I found out mom was sick because we shared a birthday.

At my request, being my birthday, I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or celebrate with anyone(except my boys and my hubby). I took some Christmas cash and went on a shopping spree(alone) at Target, a 25-30 minute drive each way, I did my share of weeping. After dinner we had my mom's favorite, a Carvel cake. I was more than ready for the day to be over.

Mother's Day is next Sunday... I don't know what it will be like... I don't know what to expect...I'm trying not to think about it in order to keep the anxiety down to a minimum. I don't know how I want to celebrate the day or what I want to do. Part of me wishes we could skip all holidays that will make me cry(so realistic right?), but a bigger part of me desires to make a big deal out of these special days that only come once a year because I never got to experience such traditions before.

I have 6 days to think about it, worry about it, imagine what it will be like...