Life's Little Milestones

I have been really down for the past few weeks. I have been meaning to blog and then I forget or I am too tired or something else comes up, or I just can't face it. I made the trip to NY last week but I didn't get to go through my mom's stuff or go to the cemetery. So basically this is turning out to be the never ending, longest, most dragged out process EVER! Not only that, but it's so lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to right now. I can hear God saying, turn to ME, lay all your pain and anxiety down on ME. I am trying so hard to. I am praying about it constantly, but now my anxiety is back and I am fighting a double battle, grief and anxiety.

One of our close friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy yesterday. I am so happy for her, but it reminds me that my mom is gone, why? I guess because it is a life changing event that reminds me that even though my mom is gone, life still goes on.

This is also reminding me of another time in my life. Almost four years ago I was mourning the loss of my first baby. When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. Within months my brother in laws girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my sister found out she was pregnant. Of course I was happy for both of them, but it is so hard to celebrate when you are mourning a loss.

Grief is winning right now and I am definitely losing. This coming Saturday is the first session of grief share at my church, I couldn't be more thankful to have an outlet right now.

Indecision?

So much for making a decision, should I donate to the Salvation Army or find a women's shelter?

3rd times the charm?

I am planning my 3rd and final(God willing) trip to NY to finish packing up my mom's things. I am not crazy about going to do this on 9/11, but it's the date that worked for everyone so I can see my girlfriends and continue this tedious chore. I have to go by myself again to maximize the space in my car so there will be a lot of traveling in two days, loads of emotions, and very little sleep.

Her stuff is still taking up too much space in our crowded two bedroom apartment. We have managed to move all of the boxes out of the living room and into our walk in closet(which is no longer a walk in due to so many boxes and bags). I am making plans to get rid of a good chunk of this stuff now which will make me sad but also take a huge weight off of my shoulders. My sister took a good amount of stuff home with her after our vacation to North Carolina(we still couldn't see out the rear view mirror but oh well!) After a bit of research I have decided to donate her clothes to the Salvation Army and then at the end of September or beginning of October, I will have a yard sale to get rid of the stuff that we don't want and whatever is left over after that we can donate.

After months of going through endless piles of stuff, this is what I have learned about my mom:

1. She wanted to improve herself in every way possible.

2. She was a member of most clubs out there(movie clubs, book clubs, shopping clubs...)

3. She kept everything! Letters from my sister and I, thank you cards, invitations...

4. She liked to have many projects going at once.

5. She had a desire to learn.

6. She made lists.

7. She attached paperclips to everything.

And what I learned about myself... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, however I am trying to eliminate the endless lists habit. I vow to work on one lists before starting another one. I also vow to leave said lists on refrigerator so they don't resurface 10 years later in a pile of junk. I am also trying to eliminate the use of paperclips from my life. And last but not least, I vow to keep the sentimental things and throw everything else away!

One Year

One year has come and gone. I wanted to blog yesterday, but I was coming down with a lovely head cold and here I am today sneezing tears... Oh well. Yesterday wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. Although I was short tempered and easily annoyed by everything and everyone around me. I could blame that on the anniversary and getting sick.

After much thought and a much needed nap on the couch, I decided that we should remember mom by going to Wendy's and getting Frosty's. Frosty's and Carvel cakes were her favorite deserts, but I couldn't quite justify remembering her yesterday with a Carvel cake as it didn't seem like a joyous occasion. We all enjoyed our Frosty's and at the end of the day I was satisfied with the way we chose to remember her.

grrr

As if I didn't already feel like crap because I was sad, now I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

Here is a little excerpt of song that reminds me of losing my mom. It was on the radio a lot last summer and I think I heard it either right before or right after finding out she was gone. She probably never heard of it, but the lyrics sum up my feelings and get me all choked up every time.

It's not the middle of the night, it ain't even raining outside, it's not exactly what I had in mind, for goodbye. At that red light in the sunshine on a Sunday, nothing to say, don't even try. Some are coming home, some are leaving town, while my world's crashing down on a Sunday in the sunshine, at that red light... Red Light by David Nail

It's been awhile

Wow. I can't believe it's been about a month since the last time I blogged. Not much is going on here. The summer is coming to a close, we took 3 trips, and two of them was with family. After the last one I think I took about a week to recuperate.

But now I am back. I need an outlet for my feelings again as I feel walls closing in on me. In two days it will be 1 year that my mom has been gone and I am in complete disbelief about that every time I think about it. How has it been 1 year already? Why does it feel like she has been gone longer but I feel like I just talked to her recently? I can still hear her voice in my head. Will I ever forget how she sounds? (Ha, probably not as long as her voice is still on her answering machine).

I'm dreading everything about Monday. I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything. But how can you escape life when you have a family to take care of? I can send them out for the day, but do I really want the day to myself? I don't know how to spend the day, or if I should be doing something special to remember her...

I miss her a lot.

Short

Either way I lose...

Still not done yet...

I am back from my second trip to NY. I made this one by myself to maximize the space in my SUV. My heavy heart has been made heavier by the fact that I must go back at least one more time... AT LEAST! I can't believe how much stuff one person could acquire over a lifetime, a lifetime cut short none the less. And let me reiterate the point that she never threw anything away as I found the invitations to my wedding, my wedding shower, my sister's wedding and shower, even a piece of paper from my registry.

Today I sorted through hand bags... Mom loved hand bags and in the end apparently went on a little(ok big) shopping spree for bags. The majority of the bags are still in the packaging, but the ones that have been used were very used. I mean stuffed to the brim used. I always gave her a hard time about the amount of stuff she had in her bag, but really, I guess I had no idea.

Anyways let me tell you about a dream I had my first night in NY. I ran into mom at church. I was walking with Christopher and there she was. I think she was wearing the outfit she wore to my high school graduation. She was gone, but we could see her. I asked Christopher if he knew who she was, but he didn't, and when I told him he just looked at me with a confused look on his face. She told me I looked great and asked me what she looked like. I told her that she was young and looked great. That was it, but it felt so real, even now, I feel like I just had a visit with her.

I was really sad afterwards because even though I have known this for sometime, it felt like a punch in the gut that Christopher won't remember her, that he doesn't remember her now...

And now I am home again, thrust back into my normal everyday life. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, and blah...

Does it ever get easier?

Today was the one year anniversary that a good friend lost her mother to ovarian cancer. This disease sucks. Tonight I am wondering if this achy emptiness will ever go away? Does it ever get easier to live without your mother?

I think I need a pick me up

As I am sitting here alternately looking at the screen and my bowl of potato chips and chocolate chips, I have to wonder if chocolate will really help me feel better. I usually have a desperate need for chocolate when I'm feeling down, but then have loads of regrets when I am done and have a belly ache.

It's my fault I am feeling down, although I can't go into detail, I know I did this to myself. As I made lunch for the boys today I was overcome by sadness and loneliness and for the first time in a while got teary and really wanted my mom. I just wanted to call her and tell her what was bothering even though I knew her response to that particular issue was always the same and always made me upset, but wanted the comfort of the old days, of only a year ago. Some days I feel like, how could this be a year already, and other days it feels like more than a year has passed.

I shall be spending lots of time with God today, praying for a little more peace and a little less anxiety.

All dressed up and... hanging in the closet.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the dress that my mom wore to my sister's wedding. The perfect dress in both our opinions. The dress that every time we pictured her, we saw her in that dress. Her husband couldn't even begin to guess where that dress or the dress from my wedding was in the days before her death, so we were sent out to buy her something to be buried in. After hours of dragging two infants through a mall in Brooklyn we finally settled on a black skirt and a crimson red top. It's not what we had in mind, but it was still her.

Well, during my last task of the day when I was in NY, I emptied a hallway closet where I found both dresses. I took the one from my sisters wedding and put it on the side for a little while. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it. Would I let it hang aimlessly in my closet year after year, collecting dust and bringing a tear to my eye every time I passed it? After I finished with the closet I gave the dress one more look, folded it up and placed it in the bag with the rest of the clothes.

For me there is no need to hang on to that dress because I will always remember her in it.

What I have found so far

I sorted through 7 boxes and an obscene amount of plastic bags in 2 days. I couldn't wait to do it once I got home. If that last sentence sounded like excitement, it wasn't. The need to do it immediately was that I didn't want piles of sadness taking over my life or another nagging task on a to do list. My brain worked in several different thought processes through this, they are as follows; 1)I want to see what is here that can tell me the story of my mom. 2) I want to get this done as soon as possible so I won't get overwhelmed when I have to go back and get more stuff. 3)I can't have another nagging task on my to do list, so just get it all done at once. 4)I need to get this done for her.

I think number four has probably been my number 1 driving force. Every single day my mom would say how she had stuff to go through and how she was trying to do a little bit at a time. I had no idea what that meant. But after many offers to go see her and help, I inherited the task(thanks mom) and feel that it is my duty to do it once, and do it right. A small tribute, maybe, but even in her death maybe it is a favor?

I have found things that I didn't know she had. Some shocking things, some sentimental things, some junk, some treasures. I wonder if she remembered that she owned some of these things or if they all just got mixed up with all the rest of the things...

Truth is, mom never threw things away, a fact that I just learned. I don't know the reason why and can only guess that after all of the things in her life that she lost, she didn't want to lose things too.

So now I am left with puzzle pieces of trying to figure out who my mom was. Of course I knew her, she was my mom, my best friend, a woman I talked to almost every day for a year. But now there is a story to be read from her stuff. The jewelry, the unopened(or barely opened) improvement books, books from different classes, unopened canvases for a painting set, an unopened calligraphy set, pictures from my grandmother's generation, every thank you card we ever sent her, grocery lists, journals and notepads never written in.

There is a bigger story here, doesn't everybody have one? I can't help but feel like a bit of an intruder though. What if there are things she never wanted anyone to see or read. How do I deal with the unexpected? How will that change how I think of her? I guess we will have to wait and see...

...

I have had so much on my mind lately that I haven't even bothered to blog about any of it. I just don't know where to begin. I guess I can start with the dreams I have been having. Last week I had a dream that my husband was dying, we knew the day and everything. In my dream I wouldn't go to bed because I knew if I did he would be gone...

Ok so my latest dream... My mom was having surgery and we couldn't get any information out of anyone. By the time I heard from someone they told me that they put my mom on a bus or a train to some other hospital, by herself. I freaked out because I knew she would be barely conscious and was scared of where she might end up.
My hubby and I got in the car and found her on the side of the road on a cold snowy night. Death followed....

Lovely dreams right? Both dreams felt so real, although the second one I felt like it brought me back to the whole year she was sick and all of the information we lacked through her entire illness. All I ever really wanted to do was wrap her up and take care of her... I know I couldn't have done more but I wish I could. It's been almost a year now and I really hope and pray that her death will never be in vain and that I can do something big in remembrance of her someday....

I'm Home!

I'm back! Home sweet home. My home sweet home has been invaded by my mom's stuff... But I am jumping ahead, let me rewind first.

We got to NY last Wednesday night, late, very late. My children are not good car sleepers. Christopher slept for the first half hour of the ride and the last 15 minutes. Evan maybe slept for half of the ride if that. They were not trouble makers though so the wakefulness wasn't a huge problem. Well we visited with some friends, saw my dad(Bagel Grandpa), I had a girls day out with my two best friend Kerri & Nina, looking for bridesmaid dresses for Nina's wedding.

Through all of this, a dark cloud followed me through the days(yes, my Eyore syndrome returned). On Saturday I woke up and started to get ready to go to her apartment alone. I decided I should do that so I knew my boys would have their daddy if they couldn't have me and so that I wouldn't have any distractions. I wanted to pack up, go to the cemetery, and get out! Her hubby is not a morning person so I figured I would get there around 11:30. Around 12, thanks to my handy GPS affectionately names Becky I arrived safely and with my car in tact, even after parallel parking. And a quick FYI, I am thankful to God that I remembered my defensive driving skills because you should need to have a special license to drive in NYC.

I never could have imagined what I was walking into. Their two bedroom apartment was filled to the brim with stuff. I'm talking, limited walking space with even less room to sit... After going through the stuff that he left out for me, I began to tackle the bedroom, bookshelves stuffed with books, dressers stuffed with clothes, nightstand stuffed... Anything that could be stuffed, was stuffed. After a little while I moved to the second bedroom. The bed was piled high with everything and anything. Papers, books, hangers, bags, clothes... I tried to do as much in this room as possible, but it was so overwhelming and I really felt like I wasn't even making a dent in the piles. I decided after talking to my hubby to skip the cemetery and just sort through as much as possible with the understanding that I would have to make at least one more trip. I probably packed 6 bags of clothes, loads of books, and a ridiculous amount of paper.

After working for hours and stopping briefly for pizza(probably the best NY pizza I've ever had) and a chocolate italian ice(in honor of mom) I made an executive decision to work until 5 and then call it a day. In about an hour and a half, we were able to clear 1 closet (WAHOO!). It then took us an hour to pack up my car... AN HOUR!!! I then sat in traffic for most of the ride back to my friends apartment, about 2 hours... When I got there I wanted bed & food, junk food, badly! I ate a sick amount of sour cream and onion chips while I waited for Kenny's return with my other bff and my Wendy's dinner, cheeseburger, fries, and a coffee toffee frosty. Then we stayed up past midnight at an impromptu slumber party.

By the time I got up a few short hours later, I couldn't imagine doing anything else but driving home. So we skipped our evening plans of seeing my favorite fireworks display with some old friends and hit the road.

So here I am. Home with about 10 boxes of stuff that I am working at a fast pace to get through. I WANT IT DONE! I know this sounds emotionless and robotic, but this is just the outline of my day. The rest will have to wait for tomorrow.

House Hunting

We looked at a house yesterday that I loved. It had a yard, lots of space, and pine trees! As soon as we walked in I felt my heart in my throat. The feeling has still not gone away completely yet. AS I drove home and looked at my phone, wanting to talk to someone, I realized the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom. I wanted to go into great detail with her about the house and to hear the excitement in her voice for me. I realized that this is another milestone in our lives that she is missing. I want her here so badly right now....

Lady in Red

I have heard instances when a person has lost someone but thinks they see them in a crowd or picks up the phone to call, forgetting for that split second that they can't. I haven't tried to call, though there have been times I have wanted to. I did think I saw her out of the corner of my eye the other day. I was in my car, and really this woman looked nothing like her, but for a second she was all I could see...

That's not the reason I wanted to blog today(as I look at the pile on the table I am supposed to be tackling right now...) I did a craft fair on Saturday with a friend who lost her mother shortly before I did, also to ovarian cancer. I love getting together with her and know that my feelings are safe with her no matter the topic because in one way or another she knows what I am going through.

Well we were at the craft fair, where there was a table of free stuff. Vendors and shoppers could bring their used books, clothes, magazines, cards, etc to donate and recycle within the community. Great idea right! Well the second I walked over there red roses jumped out at me from underneath a few other articles of clothing, and there lay a black dress with red roses on it. Almost the same dress that my mom wore to my sister's wedding. The one dress we scoured department stores for as we planned mom's funeral and tried to pick out an appropriate dress for her. We spent hours at the mall looking for something suitable for mom to be buried in and the picture that we had in our minds was that dress. I picked it up and looked at it. I could see her in it and it was even her size. I contemplated taking it, but really, what would I have done with it? Could I have looked at it in my closet everyday and not feel a thing? I wonder who will wear that dress? I wonder if someone's mother will wear it to their wedding. I wonder if I will find that dress when I look through my mom's things on Saturday. I wonder if mom loved that dress as much as we did...

Treasure Hunts & Emotional Road Maps

In 4 days we will be packing up and going on our first trip of the summer to NY. This trip will be fun and emotional. One thing it won't be is relaxing. I actually had to make a schedule of what/who/when/where for each day. It is so hard to plan with little ones and know that they are just going to be dragged around all day and rolling with whatever kooky plans we might come up with.

Next Saturday I get to go through my mom's stuff. I AM ANXIOUS! My mom was pretty private and at times I felt like I had to drag things out of her, so I'm really curious about what I will find. Will her two bowling trophies be there(one of them was a family joke because it could fit into the palm of your hand)? I wonder if she still has her bowling ball. How many needle points are there and how will we decide who gets what? Will all of her favorite music be in good shape for me to reminisce over. Will I be able to go through boxes of her papers while listening to some golden oldies? This adventure that I am about to embark on reminds me of a treasure hunt because I'm just not sure what will be there. Now if only there was a road map that could direct me through all of the emotions I will encounter as I see these things...

Fake Happiness

Whenever a milestone or event has come and gone in the last year, it has made me sad. It's dumb, but even when it has nothing to do with my mom, I'm sad that I can't tell her all about it and that she will never see whatever it is that is happening. Recently one of my best friends got engaged. I was thrilled for her of course, but I felt more sad than happy. But what's a girl to do, mask it baby! I know my feelings of mourning would be understood, but I don't think they are appropriate at these times.

A few weeks later, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I was so happy I cried. I started crying because I was so honored to be asked and then continued to cry because I wanted to tell my mom.

The other day when I was feeling really down I didn't want to throw a mask on, so I decided that I just wanted a quiet evening at home with my family. I could be sad if I wanted, I could even be alone if I wanted.

I wish more people would realize that the mourning/grieving period doesn't end on a certain date. One day could be fine, the next day could be terrible. Heck one minute could be fine, the next minute could be terrible. I wish more people asked how I am doing these days, or even brought my mom up in conversation. I know people think that it might be hurtful or insensitive to do those things, and yes it might hurt to talk about it, but it hurts more to hold it in. I wish more people could understand what grieving is like without having to experience it...

By the way, her voice is still on the voice mail...

Sadness

I'm having a bad day. I'm not going to get into the details of what set me off today. I even restrained myself from calling a friend to vent. I opened my Bible and read a Psalm, listened to my favorite praise & worship song on repeat and eventually cooled down. I made a big decision to take the high road today and I DIDN'T LIKE IT, but I know it was the right choice.

I'd like to say the rest of the day was sunshine and rainbows, but I just couldn't be happy and found myself in a dismal mood. The other day I was out running errands with the boys and a girlfriend and her son and every where we went this little black rain cloud seemed to follow us. That is how I am feeling today. I am Eeyore and I have a little black rain cloud lingering over my head.

The thing that I will not talk about that happened this morning made me miss my mom. Let me tell you why. We talked everyday, never via email or text, always on the phone! I feel that human communication has been lost through this tunnel of technology. I am guilty of texting and emailing too, but I am thinking about giving both up. I MISS TALKING TO PEOPLE! Computers have allowed us to bow out of talking, even getting together. Yes it has bridged a gap where it is of course faster than snail mail, but you know what? I LIKE GETTING MAIL! It is also more convenient for some people to send an email if their day is too loud or busy to chat on the phone, but you know what I have to say to that? MAKE TIME! This week I am going to practice calling people instead of emailing or texting. Anyone with me?

And one more question to ponder until next time... Why is it easier to talk to friends than to family?

Dreams

I don't know how normal this is, but mom has entered my dreams. I only have one that I remember so far from a few nights ago. Lately I have been having really strange and vivid dreams. It seems like I am always running from someone or something bad on a nightly basis. I guess that would explain the near anxiety attacks as I try to go to sleep every night.

Let me tell you(or maybe just me) about the dream. It was the one year anniversary of mom's death, but she was there... Her husband was dressed in his suit and talking to her on the beach(I live in a beach town). Then it was my turn. I held her and cried, cried, cried. I sobbed that I wasn't ready for her to leave me, why did she have to go. I sobbed so hard, "I NEED YOU." I know it was only a dream, but I swear I physically felt her presence in my dream.

When I was in junior high or high school, I remember browsing through dream journals at the bookstore with my friends. You know, those books that tell you what things in your dreams symbolize? This one seems self explanatory to me, I'm mourning the loss of my mother and I miss her. Some days I don't acknowledge these feelings. I see them in passing and that's all I have time for. I made promises to myself after mom died, and lately I think I am failing at them. No more, here are my promises/goals...
1) Have more fun with my babies, forget about our schedule once in awhile and enjoy the now.
2) Spend as much quality time with my husband as possible and have fun together.
3) Enjoy my hobbies and find new ones.
4) Do things that I have always wanted to do.
5) Tackle nagging tasks.
6) Live in the moment.
7) Don't do without.
8) Make memories.
9) If tomorrow never comes, how will I be remembered?