Life's Little Milestones

I have been really down for the past few weeks. I have been meaning to blog and then I forget or I am too tired or something else comes up, or I just can't face it. I made the trip to NY last week but I didn't get to go through my mom's stuff or go to the cemetery. So basically this is turning out to be the never ending, longest, most dragged out process EVER! Not only that, but it's so lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to right now. I can hear God saying, turn to ME, lay all your pain and anxiety down on ME. I am trying so hard to. I am praying about it constantly, but now my anxiety is back and I am fighting a double battle, grief and anxiety.

One of our close friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy yesterday. I am so happy for her, but it reminds me that my mom is gone, why? I guess because it is a life changing event that reminds me that even though my mom is gone, life still goes on.

This is also reminding me of another time in my life. Almost four years ago I was mourning the loss of my first baby. When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. Within months my brother in laws girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my sister found out she was pregnant. Of course I was happy for both of them, but it is so hard to celebrate when you are mourning a loss.

Grief is winning right now and I am definitely losing. This coming Saturday is the first session of grief share at my church, I couldn't be more thankful to have an outlet right now.

Indecision?

So much for making a decision, should I donate to the Salvation Army or find a women's shelter?

3rd times the charm?

I am planning my 3rd and final(God willing) trip to NY to finish packing up my mom's things. I am not crazy about going to do this on 9/11, but it's the date that worked for everyone so I can see my girlfriends and continue this tedious chore. I have to go by myself again to maximize the space in my car so there will be a lot of traveling in two days, loads of emotions, and very little sleep.

Her stuff is still taking up too much space in our crowded two bedroom apartment. We have managed to move all of the boxes out of the living room and into our walk in closet(which is no longer a walk in due to so many boxes and bags). I am making plans to get rid of a good chunk of this stuff now which will make me sad but also take a huge weight off of my shoulders. My sister took a good amount of stuff home with her after our vacation to North Carolina(we still couldn't see out the rear view mirror but oh well!) After a bit of research I have decided to donate her clothes to the Salvation Army and then at the end of September or beginning of October, I will have a yard sale to get rid of the stuff that we don't want and whatever is left over after that we can donate.

After months of going through endless piles of stuff, this is what I have learned about my mom:

1. She wanted to improve herself in every way possible.

2. She was a member of most clubs out there(movie clubs, book clubs, shopping clubs...)

3. She kept everything! Letters from my sister and I, thank you cards, invitations...

4. She liked to have many projects going at once.

5. She had a desire to learn.

6. She made lists.

7. She attached paperclips to everything.

And what I learned about myself... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, however I am trying to eliminate the endless lists habit. I vow to work on one lists before starting another one. I also vow to leave said lists on refrigerator so they don't resurface 10 years later in a pile of junk. I am also trying to eliminate the use of paperclips from my life. And last but not least, I vow to keep the sentimental things and throw everything else away!

One Year

One year has come and gone. I wanted to blog yesterday, but I was coming down with a lovely head cold and here I am today sneezing tears... Oh well. Yesterday wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. Although I was short tempered and easily annoyed by everything and everyone around me. I could blame that on the anniversary and getting sick.

After much thought and a much needed nap on the couch, I decided that we should remember mom by going to Wendy's and getting Frosty's. Frosty's and Carvel cakes were her favorite deserts, but I couldn't quite justify remembering her yesterday with a Carvel cake as it didn't seem like a joyous occasion. We all enjoyed our Frosty's and at the end of the day I was satisfied with the way we chose to remember her.

grrr

As if I didn't already feel like crap because I was sad, now I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

Here is a little excerpt of song that reminds me of losing my mom. It was on the radio a lot last summer and I think I heard it either right before or right after finding out she was gone. She probably never heard of it, but the lyrics sum up my feelings and get me all choked up every time.

It's not the middle of the night, it ain't even raining outside, it's not exactly what I had in mind, for goodbye. At that red light in the sunshine on a Sunday, nothing to say, don't even try. Some are coming home, some are leaving town, while my world's crashing down on a Sunday in the sunshine, at that red light... Red Light by David Nail

It's been awhile

Wow. I can't believe it's been about a month since the last time I blogged. Not much is going on here. The summer is coming to a close, we took 3 trips, and two of them was with family. After the last one I think I took about a week to recuperate.

But now I am back. I need an outlet for my feelings again as I feel walls closing in on me. In two days it will be 1 year that my mom has been gone and I am in complete disbelief about that every time I think about it. How has it been 1 year already? Why does it feel like she has been gone longer but I feel like I just talked to her recently? I can still hear her voice in my head. Will I ever forget how she sounds? (Ha, probably not as long as her voice is still on her answering machine).

I'm dreading everything about Monday. I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything. But how can you escape life when you have a family to take care of? I can send them out for the day, but do I really want the day to myself? I don't know how to spend the day, or if I should be doing something special to remember her...

I miss her a lot.

Short

Either way I lose...

Still not done yet...

I am back from my second trip to NY. I made this one by myself to maximize the space in my SUV. My heavy heart has been made heavier by the fact that I must go back at least one more time... AT LEAST! I can't believe how much stuff one person could acquire over a lifetime, a lifetime cut short none the less. And let me reiterate the point that she never threw anything away as I found the invitations to my wedding, my wedding shower, my sister's wedding and shower, even a piece of paper from my registry.

Today I sorted through hand bags... Mom loved hand bags and in the end apparently went on a little(ok big) shopping spree for bags. The majority of the bags are still in the packaging, but the ones that have been used were very used. I mean stuffed to the brim used. I always gave her a hard time about the amount of stuff she had in her bag, but really, I guess I had no idea.

Anyways let me tell you about a dream I had my first night in NY. I ran into mom at church. I was walking with Christopher and there she was. I think she was wearing the outfit she wore to my high school graduation. She was gone, but we could see her. I asked Christopher if he knew who she was, but he didn't, and when I told him he just looked at me with a confused look on his face. She told me I looked great and asked me what she looked like. I told her that she was young and looked great. That was it, but it felt so real, even now, I feel like I just had a visit with her.

I was really sad afterwards because even though I have known this for sometime, it felt like a punch in the gut that Christopher won't remember her, that he doesn't remember her now...

And now I am home again, thrust back into my normal everyday life. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, and blah...

Does it ever get easier?

Today was the one year anniversary that a good friend lost her mother to ovarian cancer. This disease sucks. Tonight I am wondering if this achy emptiness will ever go away? Does it ever get easier to live without your mother?

I think I need a pick me up

As I am sitting here alternately looking at the screen and my bowl of potato chips and chocolate chips, I have to wonder if chocolate will really help me feel better. I usually have a desperate need for chocolate when I'm feeling down, but then have loads of regrets when I am done and have a belly ache.

It's my fault I am feeling down, although I can't go into detail, I know I did this to myself. As I made lunch for the boys today I was overcome by sadness and loneliness and for the first time in a while got teary and really wanted my mom. I just wanted to call her and tell her what was bothering even though I knew her response to that particular issue was always the same and always made me upset, but wanted the comfort of the old days, of only a year ago. Some days I feel like, how could this be a year already, and other days it feels like more than a year has passed.

I shall be spending lots of time with God today, praying for a little more peace and a little less anxiety.

All dressed up and... hanging in the closet.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the dress that my mom wore to my sister's wedding. The perfect dress in both our opinions. The dress that every time we pictured her, we saw her in that dress. Her husband couldn't even begin to guess where that dress or the dress from my wedding was in the days before her death, so we were sent out to buy her something to be buried in. After hours of dragging two infants through a mall in Brooklyn we finally settled on a black skirt and a crimson red top. It's not what we had in mind, but it was still her.

Well, during my last task of the day when I was in NY, I emptied a hallway closet where I found both dresses. I took the one from my sisters wedding and put it on the side for a little while. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it. Would I let it hang aimlessly in my closet year after year, collecting dust and bringing a tear to my eye every time I passed it? After I finished with the closet I gave the dress one more look, folded it up and placed it in the bag with the rest of the clothes.

For me there is no need to hang on to that dress because I will always remember her in it.

What I have found so far

I sorted through 7 boxes and an obscene amount of plastic bags in 2 days. I couldn't wait to do it once I got home. If that last sentence sounded like excitement, it wasn't. The need to do it immediately was that I didn't want piles of sadness taking over my life or another nagging task on a to do list. My brain worked in several different thought processes through this, they are as follows; 1)I want to see what is here that can tell me the story of my mom. 2) I want to get this done as soon as possible so I won't get overwhelmed when I have to go back and get more stuff. 3)I can't have another nagging task on my to do list, so just get it all done at once. 4)I need to get this done for her.

I think number four has probably been my number 1 driving force. Every single day my mom would say how she had stuff to go through and how she was trying to do a little bit at a time. I had no idea what that meant. But after many offers to go see her and help, I inherited the task(thanks mom) and feel that it is my duty to do it once, and do it right. A small tribute, maybe, but even in her death maybe it is a favor?

I have found things that I didn't know she had. Some shocking things, some sentimental things, some junk, some treasures. I wonder if she remembered that she owned some of these things or if they all just got mixed up with all the rest of the things...

Truth is, mom never threw things away, a fact that I just learned. I don't know the reason why and can only guess that after all of the things in her life that she lost, she didn't want to lose things too.

So now I am left with puzzle pieces of trying to figure out who my mom was. Of course I knew her, she was my mom, my best friend, a woman I talked to almost every day for a year. But now there is a story to be read from her stuff. The jewelry, the unopened(or barely opened) improvement books, books from different classes, unopened canvases for a painting set, an unopened calligraphy set, pictures from my grandmother's generation, every thank you card we ever sent her, grocery lists, journals and notepads never written in.

There is a bigger story here, doesn't everybody have one? I can't help but feel like a bit of an intruder though. What if there are things she never wanted anyone to see or read. How do I deal with the unexpected? How will that change how I think of her? I guess we will have to wait and see...

...

I have had so much on my mind lately that I haven't even bothered to blog about any of it. I just don't know where to begin. I guess I can start with the dreams I have been having. Last week I had a dream that my husband was dying, we knew the day and everything. In my dream I wouldn't go to bed because I knew if I did he would be gone...

Ok so my latest dream... My mom was having surgery and we couldn't get any information out of anyone. By the time I heard from someone they told me that they put my mom on a bus or a train to some other hospital, by herself. I freaked out because I knew she would be barely conscious and was scared of where she might end up.
My hubby and I got in the car and found her on the side of the road on a cold snowy night. Death followed....

Lovely dreams right? Both dreams felt so real, although the second one I felt like it brought me back to the whole year she was sick and all of the information we lacked through her entire illness. All I ever really wanted to do was wrap her up and take care of her... I know I couldn't have done more but I wish I could. It's been almost a year now and I really hope and pray that her death will never be in vain and that I can do something big in remembrance of her someday....

I'm Home!

I'm back! Home sweet home. My home sweet home has been invaded by my mom's stuff... But I am jumping ahead, let me rewind first.

We got to NY last Wednesday night, late, very late. My children are not good car sleepers. Christopher slept for the first half hour of the ride and the last 15 minutes. Evan maybe slept for half of the ride if that. They were not trouble makers though so the wakefulness wasn't a huge problem. Well we visited with some friends, saw my dad(Bagel Grandpa), I had a girls day out with my two best friend Kerri & Nina, looking for bridesmaid dresses for Nina's wedding.

Through all of this, a dark cloud followed me through the days(yes, my Eyore syndrome returned). On Saturday I woke up and started to get ready to go to her apartment alone. I decided I should do that so I knew my boys would have their daddy if they couldn't have me and so that I wouldn't have any distractions. I wanted to pack up, go to the cemetery, and get out! Her hubby is not a morning person so I figured I would get there around 11:30. Around 12, thanks to my handy GPS affectionately names Becky I arrived safely and with my car in tact, even after parallel parking. And a quick FYI, I am thankful to God that I remembered my defensive driving skills because you should need to have a special license to drive in NYC.

I never could have imagined what I was walking into. Their two bedroom apartment was filled to the brim with stuff. I'm talking, limited walking space with even less room to sit... After going through the stuff that he left out for me, I began to tackle the bedroom, bookshelves stuffed with books, dressers stuffed with clothes, nightstand stuffed... Anything that could be stuffed, was stuffed. After a little while I moved to the second bedroom. The bed was piled high with everything and anything. Papers, books, hangers, bags, clothes... I tried to do as much in this room as possible, but it was so overwhelming and I really felt like I wasn't even making a dent in the piles. I decided after talking to my hubby to skip the cemetery and just sort through as much as possible with the understanding that I would have to make at least one more trip. I probably packed 6 bags of clothes, loads of books, and a ridiculous amount of paper.

After working for hours and stopping briefly for pizza(probably the best NY pizza I've ever had) and a chocolate italian ice(in honor of mom) I made an executive decision to work until 5 and then call it a day. In about an hour and a half, we were able to clear 1 closet (WAHOO!). It then took us an hour to pack up my car... AN HOUR!!! I then sat in traffic for most of the ride back to my friends apartment, about 2 hours... When I got there I wanted bed & food, junk food, badly! I ate a sick amount of sour cream and onion chips while I waited for Kenny's return with my other bff and my Wendy's dinner, cheeseburger, fries, and a coffee toffee frosty. Then we stayed up past midnight at an impromptu slumber party.

By the time I got up a few short hours later, I couldn't imagine doing anything else but driving home. So we skipped our evening plans of seeing my favorite fireworks display with some old friends and hit the road.

So here I am. Home with about 10 boxes of stuff that I am working at a fast pace to get through. I WANT IT DONE! I know this sounds emotionless and robotic, but this is just the outline of my day. The rest will have to wait for tomorrow.

House Hunting

We looked at a house yesterday that I loved. It had a yard, lots of space, and pine trees! As soon as we walked in I felt my heart in my throat. The feeling has still not gone away completely yet. AS I drove home and looked at my phone, wanting to talk to someone, I realized the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom. I wanted to go into great detail with her about the house and to hear the excitement in her voice for me. I realized that this is another milestone in our lives that she is missing. I want her here so badly right now....

Lady in Red

I have heard instances when a person has lost someone but thinks they see them in a crowd or picks up the phone to call, forgetting for that split second that they can't. I haven't tried to call, though there have been times I have wanted to. I did think I saw her out of the corner of my eye the other day. I was in my car, and really this woman looked nothing like her, but for a second she was all I could see...

That's not the reason I wanted to blog today(as I look at the pile on the table I am supposed to be tackling right now...) I did a craft fair on Saturday with a friend who lost her mother shortly before I did, also to ovarian cancer. I love getting together with her and know that my feelings are safe with her no matter the topic because in one way or another she knows what I am going through.

Well we were at the craft fair, where there was a table of free stuff. Vendors and shoppers could bring their used books, clothes, magazines, cards, etc to donate and recycle within the community. Great idea right! Well the second I walked over there red roses jumped out at me from underneath a few other articles of clothing, and there lay a black dress with red roses on it. Almost the same dress that my mom wore to my sister's wedding. The one dress we scoured department stores for as we planned mom's funeral and tried to pick out an appropriate dress for her. We spent hours at the mall looking for something suitable for mom to be buried in and the picture that we had in our minds was that dress. I picked it up and looked at it. I could see her in it and it was even her size. I contemplated taking it, but really, what would I have done with it? Could I have looked at it in my closet everyday and not feel a thing? I wonder who will wear that dress? I wonder if someone's mother will wear it to their wedding. I wonder if I will find that dress when I look through my mom's things on Saturday. I wonder if mom loved that dress as much as we did...

Treasure Hunts & Emotional Road Maps

In 4 days we will be packing up and going on our first trip of the summer to NY. This trip will be fun and emotional. One thing it won't be is relaxing. I actually had to make a schedule of what/who/when/where for each day. It is so hard to plan with little ones and know that they are just going to be dragged around all day and rolling with whatever kooky plans we might come up with.

Next Saturday I get to go through my mom's stuff. I AM ANXIOUS! My mom was pretty private and at times I felt like I had to drag things out of her, so I'm really curious about what I will find. Will her two bowling trophies be there(one of them was a family joke because it could fit into the palm of your hand)? I wonder if she still has her bowling ball. How many needle points are there and how will we decide who gets what? Will all of her favorite music be in good shape for me to reminisce over. Will I be able to go through boxes of her papers while listening to some golden oldies? This adventure that I am about to embark on reminds me of a treasure hunt because I'm just not sure what will be there. Now if only there was a road map that could direct me through all of the emotions I will encounter as I see these things...

Fake Happiness

Whenever a milestone or event has come and gone in the last year, it has made me sad. It's dumb, but even when it has nothing to do with my mom, I'm sad that I can't tell her all about it and that she will never see whatever it is that is happening. Recently one of my best friends got engaged. I was thrilled for her of course, but I felt more sad than happy. But what's a girl to do, mask it baby! I know my feelings of mourning would be understood, but I don't think they are appropriate at these times.

A few weeks later, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I was so happy I cried. I started crying because I was so honored to be asked and then continued to cry because I wanted to tell my mom.

The other day when I was feeling really down I didn't want to throw a mask on, so I decided that I just wanted a quiet evening at home with my family. I could be sad if I wanted, I could even be alone if I wanted.

I wish more people would realize that the mourning/grieving period doesn't end on a certain date. One day could be fine, the next day could be terrible. Heck one minute could be fine, the next minute could be terrible. I wish more people asked how I am doing these days, or even brought my mom up in conversation. I know people think that it might be hurtful or insensitive to do those things, and yes it might hurt to talk about it, but it hurts more to hold it in. I wish more people could understand what grieving is like without having to experience it...

By the way, her voice is still on the voice mail...

Sadness

I'm having a bad day. I'm not going to get into the details of what set me off today. I even restrained myself from calling a friend to vent. I opened my Bible and read a Psalm, listened to my favorite praise & worship song on repeat and eventually cooled down. I made a big decision to take the high road today and I DIDN'T LIKE IT, but I know it was the right choice.

I'd like to say the rest of the day was sunshine and rainbows, but I just couldn't be happy and found myself in a dismal mood. The other day I was out running errands with the boys and a girlfriend and her son and every where we went this little black rain cloud seemed to follow us. That is how I am feeling today. I am Eeyore and I have a little black rain cloud lingering over my head.

The thing that I will not talk about that happened this morning made me miss my mom. Let me tell you why. We talked everyday, never via email or text, always on the phone! I feel that human communication has been lost through this tunnel of technology. I am guilty of texting and emailing too, but I am thinking about giving both up. I MISS TALKING TO PEOPLE! Computers have allowed us to bow out of talking, even getting together. Yes it has bridged a gap where it is of course faster than snail mail, but you know what? I LIKE GETTING MAIL! It is also more convenient for some people to send an email if their day is too loud or busy to chat on the phone, but you know what I have to say to that? MAKE TIME! This week I am going to practice calling people instead of emailing or texting. Anyone with me?

And one more question to ponder until next time... Why is it easier to talk to friends than to family?

Dreams

I don't know how normal this is, but mom has entered my dreams. I only have one that I remember so far from a few nights ago. Lately I have been having really strange and vivid dreams. It seems like I am always running from someone or something bad on a nightly basis. I guess that would explain the near anxiety attacks as I try to go to sleep every night.

Let me tell you(or maybe just me) about the dream. It was the one year anniversary of mom's death, but she was there... Her husband was dressed in his suit and talking to her on the beach(I live in a beach town). Then it was my turn. I held her and cried, cried, cried. I sobbed that I wasn't ready for her to leave me, why did she have to go. I sobbed so hard, "I NEED YOU." I know it was only a dream, but I swear I physically felt her presence in my dream.

When I was in junior high or high school, I remember browsing through dream journals at the bookstore with my friends. You know, those books that tell you what things in your dreams symbolize? This one seems self explanatory to me, I'm mourning the loss of my mother and I miss her. Some days I don't acknowledge these feelings. I see them in passing and that's all I have time for. I made promises to myself after mom died, and lately I think I am failing at them. No more, here are my promises/goals...
1) Have more fun with my babies, forget about our schedule once in awhile and enjoy the now.
2) Spend as much quality time with my husband as possible and have fun together.
3) Enjoy my hobbies and find new ones.
4) Do things that I have always wanted to do.
5) Tackle nagging tasks.
6) Live in the moment.
7) Don't do without.
8) Make memories.
9) If tomorrow never comes, how will I be remembered?

A Little More on that Anxiety Post

My internet has been sucktastic over the past few days. One minute it works the next minute I can't get on. Oh well, here I am. I am sad to report that even though I have had no internet access, I have wasted lots of time trying to get on rather than giving up and getting an actual task done!

But now that I am here, let's talk anxiety. My heart has basically been in my throat for the past few days. I go to bed at night thinking I'm going to have a heart attack because my heart is beating so fast. The smallest things are triggering memories these days, so it seems that I am not safe at all in my own brain.

I am guessing that the majority of this anxiety is being triggered by the one year anniversary of mom's death which is in August. However, we also have a very busy summer which we kick off in just a few weeks by going to NY, where I will spend one day going through mom's stuff and visiting the cemetery. I am super anxious about this. In one day I will pack away her life in boxes, bring some home with me, donate some stuff, send some stuff to my sister... I wouldn't want to stretch this event out over days, but ONE DAY is really getting to me! Ok I am moving on, I'm getting anxious.

In July, we are packing up my hubby's side of the family and going to Story Land in NH. I am excited for this trip because I think Christopher is going to have so much fun. But the thought of it is overwhelming. 4 Children under 6...

In August my side of the family is packing and heading to North Carolina for our first destination vacation. We chose North Carolina because it is just about half way between us in Massachusetts and my sister in Mississippi.I can't wait to see my nieces and nephews and to see all the kids playing together.We will also get to celebrate Evan's and Jed's first birthdays together but of course that is overshadowed by a sadness that mom won't get to be there with us.

On top of all of that, we are constantly waiting for my hubby to get called for the fire department and house hunting. All of these things exciting, all milestones. All of these things reminding me that she is gone, that she can't be a part of these things.

I can't even proof read this right now for fear of hyperventilating... FYI, I am not usually a nervous or anxious person. I pray this will go away in time...

Where is she?

Today we celebrated Memorial Day by going down to the village and watching the parade while listening(as much as possible when you have two babies) to the speeches. While my mother isn't buried at the cemetery we were at, quite a few loved ones are. But truth be told, when Christopher asked about the stones, I thought about my mom. Kenny didn't go into detail about the stones. I started a dialogue in my head of how to explain what they were but didn't finish that conversation with myself.

Later on as I pulled alternating kids(my nieces and my boys) in our wagon up and down the street before dinner, I thought about mom. I remembered how she was at the end. I thought about how much I wanted to talk to her again. And I wondered where she is now. While all I can do is have faith, hope, and pray that she is waiting for me in Heaven, I can never be sure of that.

I'm a born again Christian and I believe that in order to go to Heaven, you need to be saved. My mom wasn't Christian. As far as I know she really had no faith or religion in her life. While she lay in her hospital bed my sister read to her from Psalms and when I knew she wasn't returning to us, I asked her if I could tell her my favorite verse from Philipians 4:6-7, which says in a nut shell, to ask God for whatever you need and he will give it to you. I told my mom it was ok to let go, and that she could ask God to take her. I don't know if she did, but I hope so everyday...

Anxiety

It's Memorial Day weekend, a time to celebrate our troops and the official summer kickoff! As I think about the upcoming summer I am flooded with anxiety. We have so many plans, lots of exciting things to look forward to, but I feel like my heart is in my throat and I am a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. More on that tomorrow...

Wonderful world of books!

I love to read, but I do so in big bursts and then I won't touch another book for months. For the past few weeks I have devoured one book after another. First I read Kate Gosselin's new book. That was a guilty pleasure read. I think I read that one looking for gossip, oh that sounds terribl. But it was really sweet letters to her children. She did not bad mouth her husband once and she recognized that she was to blame in many situations.

Next I read The Happiness Project. I enjoyed this one a lot. It's one woman's project to find happiness in her life in one year. I could relate with a lot of her thoughts and feelings and today as I was having a bad kind of day, I remembered her saying that it takes so much less energy to just be angry and lose your temper than to be happy. You really have to put forth an effort to not let off steam and let the little things go. I tried to put that into perspective for my afternoon, to laugh a little more, frown a little less.

I am currently reading a new book by Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song. I won't disclose any information about this book because it is new fiction and there is a movie out. But in typical Nicholas Sparks fashion, I have teared up several times already. There is one hospital scene that took me right back to a familiar place. I guess seeing a loved one in the hospital is the same for most people. So why is it such a lonely experience? Why don't more people talk about it? The expectations on our society makes me crazy sometimes!

Parenting

I was beside myself yesterday. If I hear one more person say that my baby needs to get over this "mama" thing, I might lose it. 1- His behavior is age appropriate. 2- He has been home with me since day 1. 3- He is my baby. 4- This will not last forever.

I am going to savor, love, and appreciate every moment that my baby squeezes my elbow and holds onto my hair when I try to hand him off to someone else. At a time not too far off from now, my baby will be running away from me, off to play with his friends, taking the bus to school... Who knows, but while he will always be MY BABY, he won't always be A BABY.

I am his mama, I love him and he loves me too! He proves it every time I try to let him go. So I'm not letting him go any sooner than I need to!

Clutter

I'm physically tired, emotionally tired, tired of making to do lists and not getting anything done, tired of doing the same things day in and day out. Man I am tired! I decided that I am tired of looking at clutter and in order to stop looking at clutter I need to tackle it. I emptied out the metal mail box that we have hanging right outside of our kitchen, a task I have been putting off. That mail box is like a junk drawer. Every loose piece of paper, junk mail, pens, lists, receipts, all find their way into the mail box. I have known very well what was sitting in the back of it for a while, but just couldn't face it the last time I cleaned it out, so I just put it all back in. A pile of greeting cards has been sitting in the mail box for the past 9 months. Cards saying congratulations, cards saying happy birthday, and cards sending sympathies. I went through those cards today. I cried. I put them in a pile on the table and tomorrow I will find a home for them. I don't know what else to do with them. I'm afraid of throwing them out... Anyone have any suggestions?

Why do I fall asleep faster on the couch than I do in my bed?

I just fell asleep on the couch while Kenny and I were watching a movie. All I wanted to do tonight was relax and watch a movie and I fell asleep.. Ahhh, I guess that means I am tired and should go to bed. Maybe I can actually write about something meaningful tomorrow.

Goodnight!

Tomorrow is the big day. My first official craft fair. I get to sell my mother's chocolate and maybe share her story. Goodnight!

Being Thankful

I've been lazy lately. Maybe not as lazy as I could be, but too lazy for ME! I know I was sick for two weeks, and I've been preparing for this craft fair, but I feel like other chores have been neglected. The biggest thing I have been neglecting is myself. I don't mean that I haven't bought myself something pretty recently(I haven't but that's not me or the point). I mean that I haven't been taking care of this body that God has given me.

After watching my moms body deteriorate for months a few things went through my mind. She rarely indulged in foods that she loved because they weren't healthy, so all that healthy food turned into a joke at the end because it was keeping her alive when she shouldn't have been. We can look at this in two ways...
1-Eat all the junk you want because you only live once.
2-Eat as healthy as you can so you can live a long life and honor the body that God gave you.
My mom's situation was turned into a joke because she did eat healthy to help with her chronically high cholesterol, but her cholesterol was always high no matter what, and the cancer ended up taking her life anyway.

So after all of that happened I started running. This turned into the best therapy for me. I would drive down to the beach at the end of a long day, run as much as I could, get in the car, blast some Jason M'raz(spelling please?) and cry my eyes out on the way home. I didn't have an ipod at the time so I borrowed my hubby's. His headphone wouldn't stay in my little ears though so I ran in silence, which scared me! But I began to use my running time as my prayer time. I thanked God that I had a healthy body, that I had the ability to run, and when the running got tough I asked God to carry me to my finish line, and I believe that He did.

I have only been running once since the fall, I've been eating junk, and not getting enough sleep. I feel like I am being careless with this gift from God. I don't know how long I will have it for, but I pray it will be a long time. I think it's time to start being thankful for my functioning body and to use it in ways that would honor God.

Blessings

All I want to say is I'm too tired to blog tonight, but would that really count right now as a viable entry here. I was transfixed to the tv tonight as I watched my new fave show, "Grey's Anatomy." Every time someone is dying on that show or hooked up to tubes and monitors, I get a little sad. Maybe that's the wrong show for me to be watching because really, it's a hospital show, everyone is hooked up to tubes and monitors!

So there was a shooter on the show tonight and he was nuts and going after everyone. But the part that tugged at my heartstrings was when Meredith Grey miscarried. I lost my first baby when I was about 6 weeks pregnant. It felt like my world was crumbling all around me. This woman lost her baby as she is simultaneously losing her husband and friends all around her.

One thing I have learned is that blessing are hidden and have a funny way of not being revealed right away. Christopher was my blessing after we lost our first baby. Would I have rather not miscarried? Of course! But, would that mean I wouldn't have my Bubbas?

Sometimes I think I'm not appreciative enough of all the blessing I have been given. I don't laugh and have fun enough, and I don't really take the time to slow down and enjoy the moment, although cliche, they are fleeting.

The three men in my life are all blessings. My husband, who pulled me out of the darkness and showed me love. I love him so much! Christopher, my angel baby after my first baby went to be an angel. Evan, my angel baby and companion as I was losing my mom. My three men are my three angels here on earth and tomorrow, I am going to thank God often for them and slow down and love them!

It's time

I talked to my mom's husband tonight and we set up a date to go through her things. I'm guessing I will be spending the next months worth of posts on this. My emotions right now are mixed. I am obviously sad that we have to do it, I'm looking forward to finally doing it, I wonder what memories it will stir up...

Breakthrough?

I think tonight was one of the first times that I got to go out by myself, that I didn't sob to a song on the radio. Breakthrough?

On the negativity train...

Day 22. I can't believe I have stuck to this for 22 days! I don't know if I have ever stuck to anything for this amount of time. I'm bumming tonight.

Reason 1- our town's election was today and the education over ride did not pass! Our school are in trouble. I'm so thankful my boys aren't in the system yet, but if we settle down here they will be and that's scary.

Reason 2- Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life away. At the end of the day I can't help but think, did I do anything today to contribute to the good of anything or anyone? Not at home. I lost my temper and was impatient with at least two of the men in my life. In my society? Well I voted but the town sucks so that doesn't even matter!

I better go to bed and sleep off this bad mood!

Questionable Feelings

I heard her voice today. It's still on her answering machine. I'm not sure how I feel about that...

So much to do, so little time...

Grandma's Sweet Shoppe will be attending it's very first craft fair next Sunday. I wonder what my mom would think about this. I think she'd get a kick out of it.

My cough is still lingering, making me crazy. But what is really making me crazy is that I had big plans to make lots of sweets for the craft fair and to spread it out over a month. Well I have been sick for two weeks and now I have to make up for lost time. There is so much to do, I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to make too much and have loads of leftovers, but I also want to have something to satisfy everyone's sweet tooth.

It is going to be a long week. A week spent in the kitchen, making boatloads of chocolate, feeling mom's presence every step of the way. I know prayers are in order this week. Prayers of thanksgiving, that I am able to make these sweets and share them with others.

Old Time Faves

My hubby and I are watching the movie, "Get Smart." Well we were watching it until I fell asleep. He is still watching it but I decided that I will have to finish it later as I have missed a good chunk of it now.

When I was in elementary school I loved watching all the old shows on Nick at Nite. Get Smart, Dragnet, I Love Lucy, The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, (hubby is sleeping now!) The Donna Reed Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Leave it to Beaver, Green Acres, Lassie... I'm pretty sure my mom didn't like Get Smart(because Maxwell Smart was an airhead), but she loved I love Lucy. Her favorite episodes were the ones with the grape stomping and the chocolate factory.

I loved the simplicity of those shows and wished I could live in those times. As I look back now after not watching most of those shows in ten or more years, I long for those times that I have never experienced. I wish I could raise my kids in a slower paced society. I have often felt rushed and I have made it a point to try and slow down. I try to hit my daily schedule as often as possible, but on a day when we are out and about, running errands or having fun, I try to loosen up. I try to pack our lunches for a picnic as often as possible, have extra clothes, diapers, and other supplies on hand so we don't have to make any unnecessary expenses or go home prematurely.

Most of those old shows had their fair share of hardships, Mary Tyler Moore was a single career woman(ground breaking storyline for that time), Mike Brady was a widower, Carol Brady was a widow, The Partridge Family was raised by a single mom... But times were slow and simple. Husbands, when there was one, worked all day and provided for their family, wives raised the children, the children played outside, went to school and helped set the table for dinner.

Now that I am married and am raising a family, I know more and more people who are striving for these old time ideals which is comforting. But I also know plenty of people who simply can't raise their families on one income, times are tough and life is expensive. My husband and I have made many sacrifices for me to stay home and raise our kids. Sometimes I want to throw our budget out the window because it is so tight. But not a day goes by when I am not grateful to God for providing all of our needs and allowing me to stay home with my children.

So the next time I'm feeling a little blue, maybe I will put on a little I Love Lucy for some comedic relief to lighten the load on a dreary day, and maybe mom will be watching with me.

Who can I turn to?

I needed some motherly advice today. I wanted to ask my mother... I drew a blank and felt lonely. I needed someone who has been there, done that. Someone who could sympathize with my need. I needed my mom today.

Chocolate

Mom always made chocolate candies for as long as I can remember. Her favorite sweet was white chocolate clusters which is raisins, peanuts, and marshmallows mixed in with chocolate. She played around with molds when I was younger, making turkeys for thanksgiving or pumpkins for Halloween. She even made a milk chocolate gingerbread house a few times and placed in contests. Over the years she never lost her desire to make chocolate, she just lost a desire to do a lot of the time consuming work that was involved. It hurt her back to stand in the kitchen and fill molds, holding them up to the light and checking for holes. So she moved on to dipping pretzels, cookies, and potato chips in chocolate. She loved presenting these sweets as gifts.

As she lay on her death bed(sad but true), my sister came up with a business her family could do at home, "Grandma's Sweet Shoppe." I fell in love and jumped right in, figuring she could do business by her and I could do business by me. So with the death of my mom came the birth of a business dedicated to her memory.

I love making these chocolate sweets. It takes me back in time. I can picture her in the kitchen, working over her double boiler, held in place by a paper towel, filling molds, holding them up to the light, and filling in holes with tooth picks. Every time I make something new, I want to call her and tell her all about it and I wish that she was here to sample it or to see the legacy that she has left for her family.

Last night I made Inside Out S'MORES! My taste testers/very good friends had the grueling task of trying them out. Success! I feel a surge of pride run through my veins when I make something that comes out that yummy, but I don't feel like it's my own, I feel like it comes from her.

Planting Investments & Reaping Rewards

I'm feeling better today. That's the first time I am actually able to say that in over a week. I took the boys to the playground this morning and we had a picnic. It felt so good to get out of the house.

This afternoon Evan had his 9 month well visit. Evan is a peanut, a string bean, lean & mean, tall & skinny. He is just the happiest and most content baby(as long as mama is around). My little boy has grown 2 inches in three months putting him in the 42nd percentile for height. And in true form of being lean and mean, he only gained 1 pound 2 ounces putting him in the 0 percentile. Needless to say there is a weight check in our future.

The doctor, who is one of Christopher's favorite people, wasn't concerned about the hives that broke out all over his body on Saturday(relief) and thinks it was just viral.

I used to call my mom after every doctor's appointment or well visit with Christopher. She always wanted to know what was going on with her grandson, how he was growing... Mom lived far away but she tried to be connected to what was going on. I thought about her as we left today and felt empty. I didn't have anyone to call at five o'clock in the evening. What a lonely feeling, but mourning is lonely. No one else feels the way I feel or is grieving in the exact way I am grieving. I am lonely in that aspect but also find comfort in it because I'm thankful for having a mom that wanted to be so involved with my family. She invested the time into knowing her grandson and reaped the rewards when Christopher picked up the phone and talked to her for a few minutes. I know how proud she would be of him today and I can just see her smiling down on both of my boys.

Just like the time my mom invested to reap the rewards, Christopher and I planted seeds for my mom and we hope to watch them grow into flowers.

Too tired...

Still not feeling well and just fell asleep during 24. I guess that means I should go to bed...

Expectations

Ever have certain expectation of something and then nothing happens? Well today was Mother's Day, and I didn't know what to feel, I guess I wasn't feeling anything. That's not true, I was feeling thankful for my boys and my hubby. But I think I was expecting this big sadness to sweep over me, and it just didn't come. I got sad for a moment in the car when Tim McGraw sang, "Live Like You Were Dying," but that was the extent of my sadness. I miss my mom. I miss her voice. I miss calling to tell her things. Of course I miss having a mother on mother's day... but I miss her everyday, why should one day be different? That's my perspective tonight.

Mother's Day Eve

Flower pots painted- Check
Soil and seeds- Check
Cute pipe cleaner flowers inserted- Check

Now, I wait for the big day. I told my husband that Mother's Day starts at midnight, which means that if any child makes a peep before 7 am, I am off duty, but really, I could always use a good snuggle, so I'm sure I will still be on alert.

We had an interesting day(to say the least). Christopher broke out in hives and we don't know why. He is fine now and I guess we will just have to wait and talk to his primary care doctor next week. My dad was here visiting so we got to have a nice lunch out and we also went to an open house. This was the first house we looked at in our price range which wasn't a dump, but it was just too small for our over sized furniture. I was disappointed and wondering if I was just being too picky now. I know that God has something better in store for us, we just have to be patient.

I'm feeling better today. I still have a nasty cough which is making my throat hurt something fierce! I'm hoping if I get a good amount of sleep tonight I can sleep it off? Sounds good in theory.

Tonight as I nursed Evan I stopped on our small towns television station and watched a little awards show presentation. 5th graders wrote essays about why they think their mom is the best. One essay brought me to tears and made me miss my mom so much. It also made me hope that my boys feel that way about me.

I also thought of something special I would like to do for my boys, it's something I have thought about before but never got around to it/ it didn't seem like a big deal. I want to get some notebooks and record things in their daily lives. What a special keepsake this could be for them one day. Yes I have kept up with their baby books(for the most part), and I will sit down and work on scrapbooks one day(as their is no lack in photos!) But sometimes my boys do the funniest things and I wonder how long I will remember these things for. Evan ate almost a quarter of a bagel today, at lunch I turned around and he was holding Christopher's grilled cheese sandwich(I don't know whether Christopher gave it up willingly or if I am starving my baby), and he now makes the goofiest face where he purses his lips, scrunches up his nose and huffs and puffs out of his nose. He knows how funny we think he is so he keeps doing it! And Christopher, well tonight while I was helping him get his jammies on he said, "I am exhausted!" He is two, how funny is that!
I would like to start this journal tomorrow, so I will have to get to the store, hopefully I will remember.

Well, I should head to bed, as I would really like to feel better by tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's out there! Goodnight!

Mother's Day Spoiler Alert!

This cough is lingering still, nagging the heck out of me, and leaving my voice a mess at the end of the day, but hey, at least it's back. I did get out of the house today though! After nap time I loaded the boys into the car and headed out to do some very last minute Mother's Day Shopping. I must say, that as much as I like to be surprised, I saw lots of things that I could use right now and had a vision of loading it all into the shopping cart, wrapping it all up, giving it to my hubby and saying, "this is from you and the boys, thank you!" But what fun is that?

I got the boys into bed on time tonight and had some alone time. My mind is overloaded with a million and one things that either need to get done, I want to get done, I'd like to do some day... When I have that many things on my plate, nothing gets done. It is now 11pm on Friday night, the boys clothes just made it into the dryer and I decided that our clothes are just going to have to sit in the laundry basket tonight because you couldn't pay me enough to get off this couch!

I'm sure none of the mama's in my life will read this before Mother's Day, so I can disclose the following information here. Christopher and I picked up ceramic flower pots and seeds for his Nanny(my mother in law) and two Aunts. After dinner he painted them, calling them his "master piece" and proclaiming after each stroke, "Look what I've created(or something along those lines)" while he thrust his brush into the air(he picked this scene up from an episode of Clifford the Big Red Dog). Evan helped too. I painted his little fingers, gave him the base of the flower pot, prayed he wouldn't throw it off of his tray, and let him turn it round and round in his little painted hands.

After the boys went to sleep, I painted a flower pot for my mom. Yes, she's been gone for 8 months now, but making something in her memory, just made it seem so final... It hurt a bit. But with spring comes a new beginning, longer days, warmer weather, flowers blooming... Things she will never get to experience again, but I can live them for her, by keeping her memory alive.

Tomorrow we will fill our pots with dirt and plant some seeds in each one. I pray that mom's grows tall and strong and that it lives for a long time!

Remembering mom on Mother's Day

I barely slept a wink last night between coughing and being stuffy. I rolled out of bed at 5:45 am to take a hot shower to relieve my nasal passages. Thankfully my husband was home all day after working an unexpected double yesterday, so I was finally able to take a break, sort of... Do mom's ever really get to take a break though?

I'm hoping the very short nap and some much needed R & R on the couch will have me on the mend by tomorrow, as I would like to start this Mother's Day weekend off on a positive note.

I'm still so conflicted about how I want to celebrate Mother's Day. We haven't been able to start any traditions in the past because my husbands schedule was always changing. I'm still skeptical on his off days if he is really home, or if we are just waiting on a call to bring him back to work. Part of me wanted to visit the cemetery, but I knew that wouldn't be fair to my family. While I knew they would understand, how can I abandon my living family who wants to celebrate their momma?
On my birthday I asked my husband to get a Carvel cake because it was mom's favorite. I'd like to think of a special way to remember her this Sunday, rather than just sitting in my room or my car crying(did that on my birthday too). Here are a few ideas I have for remembering mom on Mother's Day...

1. Make a cd of her favorite songs and play it softly in the background.
2. Plant a flower, tree, or garden and dedicate part of it to her.
3. Find a favorite picture, put it in a pretty frame, and leave out where you can see it.
4. Write a poem about the good times you shared or why you were thankful to have her in your life.

And sicker still...

Up to day 4 now, and no sign of relief in sight. I barely slept last night first because I couldn't stop coughing and later because I got stuffy, but then I couldn't breathe through my moth because that made me cough, ugh and my babies, they need me and I just need rest. I fear that I will never get better if I don't get some rest. Mommies should have a super strong immune system, because you can't call in sick from being mom!

I did try to laugh more today, what a day to start. My laugh sounds like a cry right now and is painful. I tried as hard as I could to laugh with my babies at everything and anything. But as nap time approached I grew grumpy and tired, I will cut myself some slack today, but that's it!

After the boys were finally asleep in their beds tonight, I went in to check on them before I closed the door. Christopher is allowed to look at books in bed, so good for his eyes in the dark, but it has transitioned him into sharing a room with his baby brother. Well, most kids snuggle a bear or other assorted stuffed animals; on most nights I can find my child asleep with a book in his arms or clutched against his chest. He is 2.8 and a bookworm already, definitely my child!

I remember one year during Christmas vacation, my mom and I just read books all day long. I'm not sure how old I was, but I was reading chapter books already, so maybe in the second or third grade. While I don't remember being read to as a child, I remember the love of books that was fostered in my home.

As I watch Christopher open a book and either recite the story from memory or make up his own narrative to go along with the pictures, I wonder what he will be when he grows up. A writer? A librarian? Of course he assures me he will be a firefighter on most days, I know that no matter what he chooses, I will always love him and support him. But it's fun to have dreams for him. I wonder what my mom dreamed I would be. Maybe she just hoped I would finish high school. I know she wanted me to pursue my dream of being a writer. And I know after she started collecting social security and seeing that it wasn't enough to live off of after working for 20 + years, she was worried that I would be in the same position one day.

I find greater purpose these days to bringing my dreams to fruition. I would give anything to have a book published and have my mom here to see it. I guess that just falls right in line with taking advantage of every moment we are given today.

As for today, I'm too sick to think about it anymore. Good night!

Day 3 of Laryngitis...

It's now day three of having laryngitis, it's killing my throat and my spirit. Have you ever heard the expression, "when mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy." You can come to my house and live it right now. My voice is more present and available today, but I lose about every other syllable and I'm croaking the words out. I have a constant tickle at the back of my throat which is making me cough causing some rib pain, and now I feel like I might be developing a sinus infection. There should be a rule against moms getting sick. I surely can't call out of work, mama works 24/7. I even caved today and put the television on for Christopher while Evan napped. On the rare occasion that we put the television on, it's usually a video. But today I needed my boy to get sucked into show after show, so I could give my voice a break.

On day one of this I was a little impatient with life, at day three, my patience is pretty thin. I find myself nit picking at everything that is irritating me about anyone around me(I'm so fun to be around right now). By the time I finally got some quiet today, I wondered, how much joy do I experience daily or is my current demeanor more of a scowl? Yes currently I am grouchy because I'm not feeling well, but is this current me that far off from the everyday me?

Sometimes after I lose my temper,I think, what if this was my time to go, is this how I want to leave things? Absolutely not! I want to be filled with joy and laughter. I want to giggle with my boys and get lost in happy moments. I want to give them hugs and kisses all day long and always remind them how much I love them. I want to shower my husband with all of the love and affection I gave him when our relationship was brand new. I want to love to the best of my ability, where it's pouring out of my body, and radiating sunshine through my skin. I want to love in case there is no tomorrow. Because tomorrow isn't promised. I wish I could go back and hug my mom, love on her a whole lot, show her how much she meant to me. But I can't. So tomorrow when I wake up, I will thank God for a new day, and love from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

Short and not too sweet...

Laryngitis isn't a terrible thing for a writer to be suffering from, better than writer's block. However it is no good for a mother of a two year old to be suffering from... Good night!

What will it be like?

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Halloween, Valentine's Day. All of these holidays and special occasions have come and gone. It's weird when someone you love dies, it feels like the world should just stop, but it doesn't.

Christopher turned 2 a week and a half after mom passed away. I decided to still throw him a party, but truth be told, I was not in a party mood. I went through with it because life must go on for the living, but really, because my mom adored Christopher and I knew she would have wanted him to have a party. Well, lots of guests arrived that day, most I hadn't seen or talked to since Evan was born 4 weeks before. Everyone shared their condolences, etc. By present time, I was DONE! I didn't care if I saw my baby open another thing. Evan needed to nurse towards the end of the party so I took him and ran inside. I needed to be away from it all.

A month later was Halloween. I felt overwhelmed and anxious. After visiting some friends, we headed to my in laws to take pictures with the cousins, have dinner, and trick or treat. As soon as we got there I realized I left the diaper bag at our friends house, so rather than let my husband go get it, I grabbed for the keys and ran out of the house, tears racing down my face, I blasted some crying music and mourned that mom would never see my boys dressed as pumpkins or anything else in the future...

Christmas came and went. It wasn't a holiday we ever celebrated together, but that didn't fill the gaping hole in my heart, and worse was the anxiety bubbling over as I awaited my birthday 2 days later. I wondered about that day since I found out mom was sick because we shared a birthday.

At my request, being my birthday, I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or celebrate with anyone(except my boys and my hubby). I took some Christmas cash and went on a shopping spree(alone) at Target, a 25-30 minute drive each way, I did my share of weeping. After dinner we had my mom's favorite, a Carvel cake. I was more than ready for the day to be over.

Mother's Day is next Sunday... I don't know what it will be like... I don't know what to expect...I'm trying not to think about it in order to keep the anxiety down to a minimum. I don't know how I want to celebrate the day or what I want to do. Part of me wishes we could skip all holidays that will make me cry(so realistic right?), but a bigger part of me desires to make a big deal out of these special days that only come once a year because I never got to experience such traditions before.

I have 6 days to think about it, worry about it, imagine what it will be like...

Craptastic

My language is usually pretty clean, I try not to swear, which is funny considering I sounded like a sailor in high school. I titled this blog craptastic because that is the only word that comes to mind to describe a movie I saw tonight. "Everybody's Fine." I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I won't give away details. About halfway through I had a thought that it should have been called, "Everybody Sucks."

In a nutshell, Robert De Niro's character is a widower and has four kids scattered around the country. He decides to take a road trip to visit each one of them. Now I figured the story line of the kids losing their mother would have brought me to tears, no, it was the way the kids treated their dad, or maybe how they didn't treat him. They barely talked to him. This broke my heart. I hope I am forming the basis of a long and close relationship with my kids that will outlast me.

The part of the movie that made me craptastically sad was when the father ended up in the hospital. There was a scene of just empty hallways, white walls, and he was alone. It brought me back to that Brooklyn hospital where I spent so much time.
Hospitals are so depressing. Every corner looks the same, and the smell of the food, ugh, gag me. The only way I was ever able to find my mom was by looking for the prison guards stationed two doors down, prisoner hand cuffed to his bed. I always made sure I crossed to the other side of the wing and circled back. I know the man was handcuffed but I had an irrational fear of him jumping out and the prison guards pouncing on him. Maybe I was somewhere in the heap or thrown to the side, either way, I steered clear.

I can't imagine the feeling of laying there alone, nothing to look at but a postcard sized TV and the walls while monitors constantly beeped, slow, slow, slow... fast, but nobody came to check as those red and green lights flashed unless we flagged a nurse down.

Mom had two surgeries, after her second surgery, she was bed ridden and out of it for quite awhile. When I finally spoke to her she told me about her roommate. Her roommate had some kind of cancer, she was loud at all hours of the day, on the phone until late at night, and had the nerve to ask my mom to quiet down. She had surgery after my mom did, she didn't make it... I could tell by her tone that this event broke a part of her spirit. She was upset, saying it could have been her, but that she didn't feel ready, it wasn't her time yet. I told her to stop talking like that, that she was going to get better and do things. Of course I said that, it was a craptastic situation. I couldn't exactly say, everything is fine...

Lists Part II

I had a bunch of different topics that I silently explored while I folded laundry tonight,(I should make a list so I don't forget them), but then I realized that my blog about lists from last night, wasn't what I intended it to be and I had no idea until more than 24 hours later. This is what I meant to talk about last night...

After the first few sessions with my grief counselor, I began to really think about my mom. I needed to focus my attention on what things were bothering me in regards to losing her and get them out of my head or get answers. Guess what I did? I made a list!

We can call this my list of regrets. The regrets were mixed, both mine and hers. I know there were things she wanted to do, see experience, a big part of me feels that loss for her, wishing I could have changed things for her. I know that sounds silly, but for a good part of our relationship, I felt that our roles were reversed. I always saw her as needy and weak(yuck that sounds terrible). It wasn't until she was gone that I realized what a rough life she had and what a brave woman she was. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes, facing life alone after 25 years of marriage, I don't know how she did it, she was truly a fighter. But why couldn't I have seen that when she was here?

The other half of the list were my regrets, some are too personal to post. A big one is that I can't ask her questions about my childhood or our family. Evan is a thumb sucker and sometimes looks like he is going to inhale his whole fist, did I suck my thumb or take a pacifier? Christopher has been speaking full sentences since he was over a year old, did I do that too? When did I start crawling? Christopher started at 7 months, Evan is going on 9 months and is content to sit and roll.

I regret not getting pictures to her sooner. She never got to see Evan, she waited 9 months, and never got to see him. I think the pain of that will never go away and with any babies in the future I will feel the same way, so sad that she will never get to see them.

I made another list shortly after the list of regrets. We can call this list, What I Do Know. This list contains silly things, but things that I never want to forget, but might slip my mind over time. Her favorite author was Mary Higgins Clark(she scares me, I read one or two books and decided if my husband wasn't home I wouldn't be sleeping that night), she loved to needlepoint, she loved iced tea and hated coffee, she didn't like strawberries or watermelon, she liked to play her favorite songs on repeat, and my favorite... no matter how many times I corrected her she always called Boyz II Men, Boyz in the Hood.

These two lists have been therapeutic for me. It really helped to get those regrets out of my head. They were living there and taking up too much space. Some of them take up a temporary residence once in awhile, but now they live on my list. I can visit my list, but those regrets cannot come back with me.

Lists

I am a list maker. I used to make lists for everything. I gave up making lists when my mom died. Before mom got sick, my life was pretty predictable, but all of a sudden things were happening that I never could have or wanted to imagine.
Lists were so common place around my home. Lists of what I wanted to get done that day, over the course of the week, even over the month. There were grocery lists, lists of goals, New Year's resolutions lists, lists of things I needed to pack for the hospital, lists of things I wanted to get done before Evan was born.
Evan was supposed to be a scheduled c-section for August 15, 2009. I went into labor on the 8th, but was in denial all night long, why? Because of all of those lists! I wasn't ready and felt like control was ripped out from under me. I had a c-section on the 9th.
If anyone out there wants a wake up call about who is really in control, let me tell you, it's not you. My Lord & Savior is in control. I have been a believer for about two years, but I was always trying to do things my way and on my time.
I called my dad shortly before I went to the hospital, who then told me that my sister was at the hospital(she lives in Mississippi and was due on the 14th). Jed was born 2 or 3 hours before Evan.
Mom's health deteriorated quickly over the next few days, and I spent most of my time in the hospital crying. The day Evan and I were released, my mom was admitted for what doctors thought was just a bad infection from a cat bite and dehydration. Five days later she was put on a respirator.
Rewind 9 months... I found out I was pregnant with Evan right after mom came out of surgery and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She fought for nine months against stage four cancer. She was my best friend who called me every day, except after chemo when she was too weak. God kept her with me for nine months. He took her away at a fragile time, but at a time when I had a purpose. Sure I had a purpose before, wife, mother, but now I had to take care of a newborn, a baby who needed me around the clock.
I have started making lists again, but not as intensely as I had before. Why? Because life can change in an instant. My home will be cleaned whenever I get to it, God has bigger plans for us.

Random Memories

I experienced a sweet sadness for the first time this morning. My grief counselor told me that as time went on, my emotional roller coaster would taper off into a sweet sadness, where memories wouldn't make me want to run away screaming and crying, but they would make me remember my mom fondly.
Swiss cheese is what did it for me this morning. As I picked it up for my first bite, I thought of mom. She loved swiss cheese. No tears sprang to me eyes, but instead when Christopher asked me what kind of cheese we were eating, I told him, "swiss cheese. Do you know who loved swiss cheese? Grandma did." He didn't respond in any particular way, he didn't need to. I guess that's my way of keeping her memory alive. Even if it is just talking about cheese, it still keeps her close to my heart and familiar to Christopher who won't remember her as he gets older. I even gave a few pieces to Evan, who never had the pleasure of meeting her.

Introduction

I suppose I should start off by telling you that if are looking for a light hearted, breezy, fun, kind of blog... You have come to the wrong place. I don't expect many followers or readers to this journal of thoughts I am putting together, because it will be dark and depressing, but will hopefully have bursts of joy. I am posting my thoughts online as an outlet for my journey through the grieving process, and maybe to help someone along the way. Grief and mourning is a lonely journey, feel free to keep me company.

My mom has been gone for almost 8 months now. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday that she left me, other days it seems like years since we last spoke. I guess it just depends on the day, kind of like a glass half empty or half full perspective, and I have so many examples of this glass... I'm glad I had 27 years with my mom, I'm sad I ONLY had 27 years with my mom. I'm glad she was my best friend, I'm sad that I never told her she was my best friend. The list can go on and on.

My mom lost her battle to ovarian cancer at 62 years young on August 30, 2009, a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was at the playground with my husband, my son Christopher who was a week and a half shy of turning two, and my three week old son Evan. Yes, that right, a three week old baby, let me put this into perspective for a moment and refresh my foggy memory. I was in the hospital for 4 days after a c-section, home for maybe 5 days, in a hospital in Brooklyn, NY for 9 days, home for 1 day, and then back to NY for 2 days. My three week old didn't know anyone but me, and my two year old wanted nothing to do with me. I will probably go into more detail on the time line next later.

I managed to keep busy for awhile, as I really had no time for myself anyway. I was nursing around the clock and chasing after a toddler who was well into his terrible two's. But as my baby grew and didn't need to be on me every 2 hours, and as my two year old grew more independent and began to explore his free play more, my mind began to wander. After 6 months I started seeing a grief counselor, a big step for me since anytime my husband suggested I go talk to someone I would yell and cry and leave the room.

My last session was yesterday after going for about 5 weeks in a row, and then taking a two week break between my last two sessions. In those two weeks I realized that I couldn't go to grief counseling forever and that I was ready to give it a go on my own. So here I am, blogging is my new therapy session. This took my way longer to put together than my weekly 45 minute sessions, so I am off to bed. Good night and if your are in a sad place today, my prayers are with you.